Whether you are celebrating Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanza or
Christmas, the holidays will soon be upon us, spreading a message of peace and
love around the world. It's a truly uplifting and inspiring time of year, no
doubt, until your relatives arrive to celebrate with you.
Of course, some of us have easy, smooth and delightful
interactions with our friends and family. But most of us have some degree of,
shall we call it “challenge,” when it comes to dealing with friends and family,
especially those we generally see only during the holidays.
Let’s face it, after a certain age, one hopes that family stress
would be mostly behind us, that we’d come to accept each other as we are, for
who we are. If only it were so. Unfortunately, family members can still grate
on our nerves, try as we might to take it all in stride.
Your perpetually whining grandson refuses to talk to anyone,
but spends the holiday get-together with his face in his mobile. Your cousin
Ann wants “just another little drinkie” before lunch, which guarantees she’ll
be incoherent by dessert. Your brother-in-law George's jokes are not only
politically incorrect, but also downright rude. All put you in an impossible
position. Ignore or smooth over? Attempt people-management or plaster a smile
on your face? Run and hide? Well, you can’t do that. The upshot is--stress.
The Stress Challenge.
Holiday stress, whether handled directly or sublimated in the interests of apparent
family harmony, takes its toll. Not just in terms of momentary frustration and
aggravation, but in terms of your health and longevity. Conflict produces
stress. Stress can accelerate
telomere
shortening, which research shows can jumpstart age-related disease.
Why is telomere so important to good health? Every cell in our body contains
chromosomes, each with protective caps known as telomeres. Telomeres shorten
naturally as we age, but telomeres also shorten due to stress, with a highly
unpleasant consequence known as “accelerated aging.” I don’t know about you,
but the last thing I want is “accelerated aging.”
We can’t avoid all stress. A certain amount of stress is
actually healthy as it gets us up and going. But the stress of family
challenges is rarely healthy stress, as it can lead to anxiety, frustration or
even depression.
How To Lower Stress
Levels. Exiling all stress-inducing friends and family from holiday
get-togethers isn’t the answer. Instead, learn how to deal more effectively
with stress and the stress of family challenges.
Imagine if
Artie
Giles, who dreamed of attending Seminary
and receiving a Master’s Degree, had given up on her dream when life got in the
way? She had to support herself and her family, working as a hair stylist, then
as a bus driver and then helping special needs children. She was finally going
to pursue her education dreams after retirement only to find herself taking
care of her ailing spouse and elderly parents until they passed away. On top of
that, personal stress kicked in: in her late 70s, Artie suffered an unusual
nerve condition that left her paralyzed and bedridden for a year and in a
wheelchair for another. But with the help of a devoted brother, Artie refused
to allow herself to succumb to what would have been life-shortening stress and despair.
On the contrary, at 81 she began her Master’s program and fulfilled her dream with
a degree at age 85.
Artie is living proof that by
refusing to let family challenges and personal stress get you down, you can
continue with the life you want for yourself. Certainly, you may cringe when
challenges occur, but as long as you shift your focus to dealing constructively
and quickly with them, chances are good the effects of the stress will not
impact your health or longevity.
Here is a useful strategy to deal
with holiday family stress challenges:
Look For The Good. So
your grandson has nose-dived into his cell phone. At least that keeps him
occupied and out of everybody’s hair. Cousin Ann will sneak a drink regardless
of your valiant attempts to keep her away from the refreshments. Either make
sure she has someone to drive her home after the festivities or make up a bed
for her. Everyone is used to brother-in-law George’s offensive humor. Ignore
it. Don’t rise to the bait by responding, and trust that your other guests will
take their cue from you.
Enjoy What Can Be Enjoyed. Your job is to enjoy what can be enjoyed in your family
gathering, not to be the family’s problem-solver. You won’t reform anyone
overnight, so don’t try. This is not to say that at some other point you might
wish to engage in communication with various family members over unhealthy or
inappropriate behaviors, but not now.
The holidays are meant to be a
time of peace and celebration. To the best of your ability, let it be so. And
with that, know you are supporting your own health and longevity. A precious holiday
gift to yourself.
