You’re Wrong!

 

Nobody likes to be told they are wrong. We all believe, in our hearts of hearts, that we are right, no matter how logically misguided we may be. So why do we so often voice an objection to something our partner, friend or co-worker says with an immediate: “You’re wrong!” Often followed up by, “So wrong.” And then wonder why they turn away in disgust or dismay, or launch into defensive mode that quickly degenerates into an argument.

But what if, rather than assume they are wrong, because they said something you disagree with or just don’t like, what if you took a pause, a beat, and considered what might be right about what they just said? An appalling thought, yes I know, but one that can lead to constructive communication rather than destructive name-calling and whatever else.

For example, to say, in a neutral, non-defensive, non-sarcastic tone: “Huh. You make a good point there. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Tell me more.” “Tell me more” has to be one of the most powerful anti-argument devices ever. You’re not fighting. You’re seeking clarification. Understanding. And if we all resent being told we are wrong, we all appreciate those who seek to understand us.

To be able to summon up the courage to say “good point” and follow it up with “tell me more,” is truly drawing on your inner hero/heroine. Because it takes guts, real guts, to be willing to listen to a point of view other than your own. Not that you have to adopt that view, but when you invite clarification and genuinely seek understanding, chances are good that you will find some basis for agreement, or at the very least, cooperation.

Which is a lot more productive, and in the end, more fun, than a blatant “You’re wrong!”

Where’s The Horse? Episode 50

How can you make sense of the pile of manure you’ve just dumped into? The upset or disaster you didn’t anticipate but is now making a mess of your life? Good question! In this podcast, you’ll explore some of how you turn that pile of manure into something positive and valuable for your life (and it isn’t fertilizer!).

Check out this latest episode!

Winner In The Making, Episode 49

Is it ever just all too much? That the marriage or job or friendship you counted on to last forever falls apart? Or some dreaded disease afflicts your beloved child and all you can do is rant and rave? Rather than turning into a perpetually miserable victim or anger finger-pointer, discover in this podcast a far more effective and soul-restoring process!

 

 

 

Check out this latest episode!

A Simple Way to Increase Your Happiness

 

As I stood in line waiting for a table last week, a couple of people were leaving the restaurant. One of them was complaining about the food, the few waiters, and how long it took to get their order. Meanwhile, the other person was saying: “Gosh, I don’t know. I liked the variety of the menu and the friendliness of the service. I didn’t pay attention to much of anything else.”

Dang. Talk about a difference in perspective! It occurred to me that perspective is really what often makes the same experience fun for one person, and miserable for another. It all depends on what you choose to focus on. And what you choose to ignore.

Choose is the operative word. There is no doubt that there is always enough going on in each of our worlds to find something to complain about or something to appreciate. My personal solution to getting caught in unexpected traffic, for example, is one of two “appreciations.” Either I crank up the music I’m listening to, or I look with admiration at the trees and bushes that persist in growing at the side of the freeway regardless of that day’s air quality. I am deliberately choosing to ignore how annoying the unexpected traffic is. Because otherwise, I’ll arrive at my appointment out of sorts, cranky, and inflict my orneriness on nice people who don’t deserve it.

Yes, stuff happens. Yes, your boss may be a pill, but there are no doubt some aspects of your job you can enjoy if you just let yourself. You don’t need to focus on the awfulness of your boss all the time. Give yourself a happiness break, i.e., change your focus if only for a few minutes.

Of course, there are nasty life circumstances that require our full attention and which we cannot, and should not, ignore. But these are not what constitute the majority of our time. And even within nasty life circumstances, one can choose to focus on the parts of the experience that lean into the good, rather than only observing that which is bad. This is how 7-year-old Talaya Crawford, daughter of pro boxer, Terence "Bud" Crawford, won a 200-meter sprint at her school. Talaya lost a shoe at the start of the sprint, which by any athlete’s definition is “nasty.” How can you possibly race with only one shoe? If Talaya had chosen to focus on the lost shoe, she could easily have given up. Plopped down right there on the course. But no! Talaya chose to focus on her gumption, her “not gonna quit” belief in her abilities, and ran her way to victory.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an athletic feat, getting through your work day, or having lunch out. What you choose to focus on during the experience is what will determine how happy – or not – you are. The more you choose to focus on what brings you joy, and the less emphasis you put on the parts you don’t like, the happier you will be.

 

Silence Is Not Always Golden, Episode 48

Why can’t you get heard? Why, no matter how loudly, angrily or with tears abounding you speak your distress, your partner stands there like a stone? Aargh! In this podcast, you’ll find out how to express your unhappiness in a way that your partner can hear you and respond. Hopefully appropriately! Oh, the sweet relief. . .

Check out this latest episode!

How Judgment Hurts You, Episode 47

You can’t help yourself. When “stuff” hits the fan, you go down that rabbit-hole of dread and despair so fast, it not only hurts, it hurts bad! But what if there was a way to avoid the rabbit-hole altogether? In this podcast, you’ll learn a surprising technique that will help you turn any “stuff” to your advantage. Yes!

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It’s All About ‘Tude

Dr. Joshua Miele

I was having a pity party the day before a Ballroom Dance Competition. It was hot, I was tired, my legs were sore, we hadn’t rehearsed enough, I’d never remember all my steps, and on and on. I was being such a grump even my dogs were avoiding me. Fine. I can take a hint.

I settled on the couch and looked through some good-feel websites, hoping to get myself in a better place. I did more than that. I found a sensational source of positive inspiration, in the person of Dr. Joshua Miele, who at all of four years old, was burned and blinded by acid in a most unfortunate event, yet went on to create an extraordinary life for himself – and others. Dr. Miele has devoted his career to inventing ways for vision-impaired and other disabled people to navigate through life without bumping into obstacles and facing innumerable issues in the course of their day-to-day. Now, at 53, married with children, Dr. Miele is a Principal Accessibility Researcher with Amazon! He is charged with developing ways to make Amazon’s many products accessible to all, a job he relishes.

So much for my pity party! Dr. Miele speaks of never having considered himself a victim. He doesn’t think of himself as a walking tragedy, either. Just as someone who has had something happen that needed to be dealt with. His attitude is what fueled his desire to achieve a happy and successful life and by doing that he can help others do the same.

Attitude! It truly is what makes the difference. It’s not what happens to us, but how we respond to it that determines how any given event impacts our lives. Dr. Miele’s story reminded me once again, how much more important it is for us to mind our response than it is to moan and groan over the whatever. It’s irrelevant whether the event was traumatic or – like my pre-competition whining – simply annoying, our willingness to adopt a forward-looking, solution-oriented attitude can make all the difference between finding happiness versus dwelling in misery.  

I got myself up off that couch, strapped on my dancing shoes, and practiced my routines for the umpteenth time, only now with renewed hope and enthusiasm. With a panting audience of two happy dogs once again in attendance.