Thanksgiving 2.0: Be Grateful For Everything That Goes Right!

How often do you stop to catch yourself in the act of doing something right? Or anybody else for that matter . . .

As opposed to dinging yourself for every single mistake you make, every flaw you find on your face, in your character, your clothes, your finances, your relationship, your friends--need I go on? We’ve got catching ourselves (and/or our friends, employers, loved ones, strangers, celebrities and whoever else) doing it wrong down to a fine art, practiced umpteen times a day with zeal and gusto.

But here’s the thing: negativity ruins relationships. Whether it’s in your relationship with yourself or with others, it takes five positive comments to counter a single negative one. That’s how much we take to heart negativity, usually in the form of criticism that points out how stupid/boring/lazy or fashion-challenged we are.

Well, the Denver police department decided to go against our damaging “doing it wrong” habit, and take “catching them in the act of doing it right” to the streets. Literally. As part of a program to promote pedestrian and driver safety, police officers have been handing out cards saying, “You got caught doing something right” to persons they observe doing something good: like using a crosswalk or lending a hand to a stranger.

Even better--these cards are actually gift cards worth $10 at the local Papa John’s Pizza! Before you up and move to Denver, benefit from the Denver PD’s great idea right where you are, by doing the same for yourself and others.

This Thanksgiving, catch people--including yourself--in the act of doing something right! It’s one of the best ways I know of to demonstrate gratitude for this amazing life we are privileged to experience. Every hour, on the hour, stop and look around you. Look inside you. Find five things that are going right in your life right then.

My five, right now this minute? Baer (my 2 year old Shepherd-mix rescue pup) is lying quietly by my feet, happily asleep. The refrigerator is humming, as in working properly. The sun’s peeking out from behind the clouds. My laptop lets me endlessly revise, edit, delete, add. I’m smiling (I can’t help it, between the dog and the laptop, it’s automatic).

Not complicated. Nothing dramatic. It’s just paying attention to the nice things that happen in our day, and/or with ourselves. Do this every hour and by the end of your day, you’ll be flying high! Guaranteed.

If you’re where there are people around when you’re doing this, express your gratitude for whatever it is they are doing right directly to them, whether it’s with words, a smile, or just a look that says: “Wow, what you’re doing is terrific.”

And guess what? What you’ll be doing is pretty terrific.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Latest Huffington Post column: 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/noelle-nelson/to-win-at-life-be-solutio_b_8474652.html

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Weed Out the Negatives In Your Approach

A coach sits on the sidelines, calling out instructions to his team as they run the ball all over the field: "Don't do that, don't throw long, you dummies... ah, how could you do that! That's so stupid, don't run without looking where you're going. Don't you know anything, you don't make up your own rules as you go along, don't keep making the same mistake over and over ..." 

            The more the team plays poorly and messes up, the harder the coach shouts the same messages over and over and over, exhausting himself with the effort he is putting into the team. And the coach wonders why this team he cares about so deeply doesn't seem to get it, why they're so nervous and drop the ball all the time and never seem to get anything right. But it never dawns on the coach to try a different approach.

            Often, we are so caught up in our desire to see a certain result happen, that we completely forget to notice the approach we're using. If your heart and soul are genuinely into whatever you're trying to accomplish and it's not happening, look at your approach, the "how" you're going about it to get the "what" you want.

            The coach's approach in the example above is to teach by giving the team a series of "don'ts," telling them what not to do: "Don't do that, don't throw long, don't run without looking where you're going, don't make up your own rules, don't keep making the same mistakes." He then reinforces those "don'ts" with negative comments: "You dummies, how could you do that! That's so stupid, don't you know anything." 

But it isn't working, because at no time does the coach tell the team what they should do. Nor does he tell them what they should be! Telling them they are "dummies," "stupid" etc., doesn't tell the team what he wants them to be. So of course, the team just plays worse and worse, thinking less and less of themselves.

Yet that is all too often how we work with ourselves. Listen to your internal patter sometime. Chances are, most of what you will hear yourself saying to yourself is "You dummy, how could you do that! You should know better than that, don't do it that way!"

It would be far more effective (and more loving) to say to yourself, "Hey, try doing it this other way, that's right, that'll work. Nope, didn't work. OK, back to the drawing board. I'll try another way. Ah yes, much better, I'm doing good here!" No beating up on yourself. No reinforcing what isn’t working. On the contrary, your focus is on what’s working, what could work and what you might try next that eventually will work.

             You can't get to a positive result from a negative place. You can't browbeat yourself into any kind of lasting success. It's the wrong approach. Instead, tell yourself what you do need to do, what will work, and reinforce your efforts with honest praise, or, put in the coach's terms: "Throw long! Look before you run! You're doing great!" and watch yourself catapult into happiness and success.

Who Shall I Be Today? How About--Me? Oh No!

Did you know that studies show that self-acceptance is one of the most important keys to happiness? Did you know that most of us do not accept ourselves as we are?

Think about it. How often are you happy to be who you are, warts and all? How much do you appreciate your astonishing body that does so much of what you ask of it, your mind that helps you navigate the ins and outs of your day with incredible ease (most of the time)? How much do you value your personality, your quirks, your interests (the ones you really have, not the ones you think you’re supposed to have), your hobbies, your dreams, your aspirations?

Not what your boyfriend, girlfriend, magazines, blogs, TV, your mother, your hair stylist want you to be, tell you that you should be and what goals, dreams, interests you should embrace. Or where you should spend your time, money, efforts. What you should do with your life. They have opinions about all of it, ever eager to expound on how right they are about your life.

Instead, think about what you, deep down within the recesses of your soul, think is terrific about you and best for you. Don’t fight it! Be you. Unabashedly, unapologetically, you.

Nobody was ever great by being somebody other than their amazing self. Take anyone you admire, I don’t care who: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Steve Jobs, the Buddha--they all were/are 100% accepting of who they were/are. They dove into their lives appreciating the uniqueness they had to offer to the world without a second’s hesitation. They frankly didn’t care what anybody else thought. This is who they were, period, end of sentence. I’ll bet that even among the not-famous in your world, those who stop you in your tracks because they are so “Wow!” are those who value their uniqueness rather than shy away from it.

Now you may say, “That’s because they were amazing to begin with.” Hardly. That’s putting the cart before the horse: “It’s because of their uniqueness they became successful,” and guess what? You and every other single individual on the planet is absolutely unique.

So you have the same opportunity as Madonna, Lady Gaga, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, and any other number of “greats” to be utterly amazing. In your own way. Figure out what that is. Spend some time thinking about what do you think is pretty darn cool about yourself. How much of you do you really accept wholeheartedly? What dreams, talents or abilities would you go for, if you didn’t let one someone else’s opinion of you stand in your way?

That’s the secret: when you pursue your own way, nurture your uniqueness with passion and perseverance, you cannot help but succeed. And one thing for sure: you will succeed at being happy and fulfilled.

Not too shabby, eh?