Finding The True Thanks of Thanksgiving

 

Thanksgiving is traditionally a time to give thanks. Most of us are pretty good at that. We can usually always find people and situations in life that inspire us to be grateful. Until certain relatives show up for Thanksgiving dinner. Or the supposed friends you wish you hadn’t invited but felt obliged to decide to come. Yup, those.

You know, the ones who talk non-stop, or the ones who expect to be entertained, catered to, and generally treated like royalty while you run around madly trying to satisfy their every inconsiderate whim. Or those who insist on ‘helping’ which usually means creating a mess you have to clean up. Or those who adore their squabbling, noisy children intent on breaking your favorite decoration or pulling the cat’s tail. Etcetera . . .

What to do? Well, you have a choice. I’m reminded of a wonderful video of a severely disabled puppy, completely unaware of his spastic meanderings, and whose human family not only were completely accepting of his disability (with which he coped admirably) but who had only praise for his resilience and courage. Wow. I was so impressed, not just with the dog, but with the family’s attitude.

Could we perhaps adopt a similar attitude when faced with those around our Thanksgiving table? Could we perhaps pay as little attention as possible to their inconvenient foibles, and just be grateful for their unique gifts? After all, talkers usually have something of interest to you buried somewhere in all that blather and don’t require more than the occasional “oh really” or “how nice” to make them happy.

Your Aunt Gertrude expects the royal treatment: well, she doesn’t disrupt anything, she just sits there contentedly once you’ve brought her that special cup of Oolong tea. She’s actually a great example of self-care. OK, taken to the extreme, but still, an example you can learn from.

Children’s energy can be channeled into something other than wanton destruction of decorations or annoying the cat: plan ahead to provide them with games so that you can enjoy their natural exuberance rather than fear it.

There really is something to appreciate in every human being (actually every being) you encounter. Make this a truly memorable and wonderful Thanksgiving by looking for that something in every one of your friends and relatives. You will be all the richer for it.

 

The Magic of The 5:1 Ratio

 

I’m sitting on the floor in my office, cell in hand, eye-balling the Internet router refusing to connect to the Internet, while the Frontier tech troubleshoots the problem. Which occurred because our neighborhood had a power outage, now resolved. Why one has to endure the misery of Internet disconnection on top of a power outage, I have no idea, but such is the reality of our interconnected world . . .

I’m not happy. Duh. I have a full workload and no time to deal with all this. As I sit there, fussing and fuming, I remember the magic 5:1 ratio. Namely, everything works better when you balance your one negative thought with five positive thoughts*. Deep breath. I release the pity party, and off I go. I can actually speak with a live tech, yay! I still have cell service, yay! I can call my next appointment for directions, yay! The power is on, yay! I have plenty of work I can do offline, yuck – sorry, yay!

Then I remember, “Thanksgiving.” Right! The season of gratitude. What better time to implement the 5:1 ratio with more than my current Internet woes? Like to notice everything I love about my home, about my puppies, about my work, about my clients, about my friends, my Church, my neighborhood? And on and on. Do I have complaints about all sorts of things? Yes, don’t we all. But somehow, as I find at least five things to appreciate about everything in my life, from the mundane (easy bathroom cleaning) to the sublime (my relationship to Spirit), those complaints are irrelevant. Just bits to clean up, handle, resolve, but nothing to waste my precious life energy on.

Thanksgiving! What a wonderful, inspiring time of year. May yours be filled with joy and multitudinous reasons for – gratitude!

*For the origin of the ratio, see Dr. Gottman’s work

Don't Play The Comparison Game This Thanksgiving—Be Thankful For Who You Are

With Thanksgiving, our attention turns to all those people and things for which we are grateful. A wonderful tradition, indeed. However, there’s a sneaky little devil that sometimes gets in the way of our ability to truly appreciate . . . and that is, comparison.

Uh-huh. Comparing your 10-year-old dirty car to your neighbor’s sparkly clean new one. Groan. Or your not-even-remotely-in-shape body to the ripped, buff, sleek body working out on the elliptical next to yours; you’ve barely figured out how to coordinate your arms and legs. Or comparing your toddler’s wobbly steps to your sister’s same-age toddler’s zipping around the room.

Need I go on? Take inventory sometime of just how many times a day you compare yourself or your life to someone else’s self or life, and – more importantly – find yourself wanting. You may be (unpleasantly) surprised at how often you judge yourself to be defective. Not good enough. Swift enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Talented enough.  Every time you ding yourself with a “less than” comparison, you hurt yourself. You send an unfortunate message to your entire being that you can’t, that you aren’t. Whatever it is, you don’t measure up. Your body and mind take that message quite literally, and with that, you make it more difficult for your body-mind to accomplish whatever it is you desire.

One of the most powerful messages you can give yourself is “I’m good enough.” Not perfect, but not deficient either. Simply good enough. Ah . . . sweet relief! Because from a position of “good enough,” you can appreciate yourself, and your life, as it is. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else to figure out if you’re good enough, you can adopt it as your basic stance. Try it! Say “I’m good enough” to yourself often as you go about your day, and you’ll feel more confidence flow through you, which in turn, allows your body-mind to function at its current best.

If you really want to rock your world, try thinking “You’re good enough” of others as well: your wobbly toddler, your husband with his affinity for clothes that never match, your whiny neighbor. “You’re good enough” takes you out of the world of comparison and negative judgment, freeing you up to enjoy and be grateful for others as they are.

Now you can truly celebrate Thanksgiving, reveling in the “good enough” in yourself, your life, and all those around you. Enjoy!

A Special Thanksgiving “Thanks” to Our Amazing Emergency Responders

Driving through one of Los Angeles’ many canyons recently, I came across an unfortunate accident. A car had crashed headlong into the side of the mountain. It was awful. First responders were already on the scene: half a dozen firefighters were maneuvering stretchers down the gully to the injured people. It was nothing like on TV. It was ugly, laborious, the firefighters had to sweat and strain to get the injured up and out. Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter, affixed tubes and breathing apparatus and other necessary life-saving equipment to the injured as they were loaded onto the paramedics’ truck. Traffic was held up what felt like forever until sufficient police back-up could arrive to safely manage the necessary detour.

Once again, I was reminded of how amazing our emergency responders are, be they police officers, firefighters, paramedics, or members of our armed forces called out for such duty, as in the case of Hurricanes Harvey, Irma and Maria. For example, the unexpected sight of a convoy of Arkansas Game and Fish officers driving down to Florida with fuel, coolers, boats and ATVs for Hurricane Irma victims.

It may seem strange to dedicate a Thanksgiving post to emergency responders, but that is exactly what I am doing. For as easy as it is to forget about emergency responders when there isn’t a crisis going on, they are miracle workers when there is.

Without a word of complaint, emergency responders dive into situations that would terrify most of us, and often at the risk of their own lives. In doing so, they rescue countless individuals who would otherwise perish in flame, flood or other disasters.

The Federal response to current crises is staggering. Take a quick look at the FEMA website if you’d like an idea of the magnitude of the humanitarian response. There is far too much for me to include in this brief post.

But beyond the response to major events, our emergency responders are there – morning, noon and night – for whatever, whenever and wherever they are needed. Which is why thinking of them at Thanksgiving, being grateful, whatever your political persuasion, for a governmental system that has made possible such life-saving efforts, is so important.

Personally, I take cookies to my local fire station every Thanksgiving. It isn’t much, I know, but it’s what I can think to do to express my gratitude for their “being there” in every sense of the term.

So in addition to my thanks this Thanksgiving for the many blessings in my life, for my friends, family, and furry “kids,” I will give thanks to these courageous individuals who give so selflessly of themselves that we may – hopefully – live, even when life goes terribly awry.

Thanksgiving 2.0: Be Grateful For Everything That Goes Right!

How often do you stop to catch yourself in the act of doing something right? Or anybody else for that matter . . .

As opposed to dinging yourself for every single mistake you make, every flaw you find on your face, in your character, your clothes, your finances, your relationship, your friends--need I go on? We’ve got catching ourselves (and/or our friends, employers, loved ones, strangers, celebrities and whoever else) doing it wrong down to a fine art, practiced umpteen times a day with zeal and gusto.

But here’s the thing: negativity ruins relationships. Whether it’s in your relationship with yourself or with others, it takes five positive comments to counter a single negative one. That’s how much we take to heart negativity, usually in the form of criticism that points out how stupid/boring/lazy or fashion-challenged we are.

Well, the Denver police department decided to go against our damaging “doing it wrong” habit, and take “catching them in the act of doing it right” to the streets. Literally. As part of a program to promote pedestrian and driver safety, police officers have been handing out cards saying, “You got caught doing something right” to persons they observe doing something good: like using a crosswalk or lending a hand to a stranger.

Even better--these cards are actually gift cards worth $10 at the local Papa John’s Pizza! Before you up and move to Denver, benefit from the Denver PD’s great idea right where you are, by doing the same for yourself and others.

This Thanksgiving, catch people--including yourself--in the act of doing something right! It’s one of the best ways I know of to demonstrate gratitude for this amazing life we are privileged to experience. Every hour, on the hour, stop and look around you. Look inside you. Find five things that are going right in your life right then.

My five, right now this minute? Baer (my 2 year old Shepherd-mix rescue pup) is lying quietly by my feet, happily asleep. The refrigerator is humming, as in working properly. The sun’s peeking out from behind the clouds. My laptop lets me endlessly revise, edit, delete, add. I’m smiling (I can’t help it, between the dog and the laptop, it’s automatic).

Not complicated. Nothing dramatic. It’s just paying attention to the nice things that happen in our day, and/or with ourselves. Do this every hour and by the end of your day, you’ll be flying high! Guaranteed.

If you’re where there are people around when you’re doing this, express your gratitude for whatever it is they are doing right directly to them, whether it’s with words, a smile, or just a look that says: “Wow, what you’re doing is terrific.”

And guess what? What you’ll be doing is pretty terrific.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Latest Huffington Post column: 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/noelle-nelson/to-win-at-life-be-solutio_b_8474652.html