Cool Your Jets

“To open or not to open, that is the question.” Shakespeare is probably rolling in his grave at my lamentable misuse of his famous “To be or not to be” but these days “To open or not to open” IS the question. And it is driving most of us absolutely crazy.

It was one thing to engage our patience and try to make the best of our altered way of life during the first months of the pandemic, but it’s another now that we realize that the end is not in sight and that we don’t know how much longer our patience must endure (along with no jobs, no schooling, etc.). Some of us resent masks, some of us swear by them; some think social distancing is ridiculous, others shy away from their fellow humans by far more than 6 feet. Regardless of our respective preferences, none of us are having a good time, and most of us are downright miserable.

But here’s the thing. Whether the current state of affairs has you scared to death, hopping mad, or swirling into depression, the only thing you achieve with your fear, rage or angst is potentially damaging your cardiovascular system and most certainly your immune system.

You see, our thoughts and emotions trigger certain chemicals in our brains, which then, through an intricate network of neurotransmitters, send messages to our body that impact every system in our bodies: our hormonal system, our cardiovascular system, our immune system, our gastrointestinal system and more. When our thoughts and consequent emotions are strongly negative (fear, rage, anger, despair), our bodies suffer.

What to do? Cool your jets. An expression from back in the 1970s that referred to the need for jet engines to cool off after a flight seems very appropriate today. Why? Because once you’ve taken whatever practical measures you believe are best for your health and well-being, the best thing you can do to assure your survival (mental, emotional and physical) is to let go of your negative emotions and focus on whatever is working in your life.

Easier said than done? No doubt. A fool’s errand? No. I’m not talking about burying your head in the sand and pretending all is well. It isn’t. But you can practice mindfulness (easy to do, lots of Internet help), meditation (let Google come to the rescue), whatever faith makes sense to you. You can journal or exercise, both prime ways of releasing negative emotions. Then you’ll have more head space to focus on what is working in your life, how you might make that better, what other resources or support you can explore.

Cool your jets. You’ll function better, feel better, and in the end, get through these demanding, exasperating, frustrating times better.

 

I'm Not Arguing. I'm Just Explaining That I'm Right

Given my work as a trial consultant, I typically spend a lot of time on airplanes and consequently, in airports (at least until the COVID-19 outbreak). I was in an airport somewhere in the Midwest when I saw a fellow traveler wearing a t-shirt with words that I found positively brilliant: “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

Oh, the home truth in that one! How many times have you found yourself in an argument, heated discussion, whatever you want to call it, where you were fiercely determined to get across your point of view, because you knew that you were RIGHT! Beyond a shadow of a doubt, no hesitation whatsoever, you were indisputably, totally, awesomely, RIGHT. Except that the significant other, friend, person, to whom you were simply trying to impart your rightness, saw your “explaining” for what it truly was: arguing for your position. Whereupon you blurted out, “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

OK, so maybe not your exact words, but think about it. Haven’t you often found yourself persisting in a discussion because of your profound conviction of your rightness? Especially as we emerge from our time of social-isolation, each of us seems to have a different opinion of what’s the “right” way to go about it. The hiccup is, of course, that whoever you’re engaged in “discussion” with also thinks they are right. And rather than actually listening to the other person, you just plowed onward with explaining your “rightness.” As did they. Sigh.

The Art of Listening. So what to do? You’re probably not willing to cave, and say “Ok, you win, I was wrong.” Although you might, and it sometimes is the wisest course. Setting that option aside, how about hitting “pause” on that over active brain of yours, and simply listen to what the other person is saying? Listening as in paying attention to their words, the tone of their voice, the emotion with which they are speaking, even their body language. Listening without formulating your oh-so-clever comeback.

Specifically, listening for common ground. Listening for some aspect of what they are driving at that corresponds, even in a small way, with something you can agree with. For example, an argument over the family budget usually will have as common ground to the “You spend too much” “You’re a miser” positions, a desire to have a family budget that’s workable for all concerned. Notice I said workable, not perfect.

The Common Ground Approach. If you can find that piece of common ground, rather than continue to hammer away at “You spend too much/you’re a miser” positions, you can say something along the lines of “As I listen to you, I realize that what we both want here is a budget that actually makes sense to both of us.” Hard for your partner to disagree with that one. Maybe from there, you can back off the argument, and start to work towards a solution.

It's not easy. Yet, you’re a lot more likely to come to a feasible resolution if you quit defending your position under the guise of “explaining" and start heading in the direction of problem-solving.

Which yes, means listening with both heart and mind, to that person in front of you. It gets easier with practice, and eventually leads to a lot less grief.

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Weed Out the Negatives In Your Approach

A coach sits on the sidelines, calling out instructions to his team as they run the ball all over the field: "Don't do that, don't throw long, you dummies... ah, how could you do that! That's so stupid, don't run without looking where you're going. Don't you know anything, you don't make up your own rules as you go along, don't keep making the same mistake over and over ..." 

            The more the team plays poorly and messes up, the harder the coach shouts the same messages over and over and over, exhausting himself with the effort he is putting into the team. And the coach wonders why this team he cares about so deeply doesn't seem to get it, why they're so nervous and drop the ball all the time and never seem to get anything right. But it never dawns on the coach to try a different approach.

            Often, we are so caught up in our desire to see a certain result happen, that we completely forget to notice the approach we're using. If your heart and soul are genuinely into whatever you're trying to accomplish and it's not happening, look at your approach, the "how" you're going about it to get the "what" you want.

            The coach's approach in the example above is to teach by giving the team a series of "don'ts," telling them what not to do: "Don't do that, don't throw long, don't run without looking where you're going, don't make up your own rules, don't keep making the same mistakes." He then reinforces those "don'ts" with negative comments: "You dummies, how could you do that! That's so stupid, don't you know anything." 

But it isn't working, because at no time does the coach tell the team what they should do. Nor does he tell them what they should be! Telling them they are "dummies," "stupid" etc., doesn't tell the team what he wants them to be. So of course, the team just plays worse and worse, thinking less and less of themselves.

Yet that is all too often how we work with ourselves. Listen to your internal patter sometime. Chances are, most of what you will hear yourself saying to yourself is "You dummy, how could you do that! You should know better than that, don't do it that way!"

It would be far more effective (and more loving) to say to yourself, "Hey, try doing it this other way, that's right, that'll work. Nope, didn't work. OK, back to the drawing board. I'll try another way. Ah yes, much better, I'm doing good here!" No beating up on yourself. No reinforcing what isn’t working. On the contrary, your focus is on what’s working, what could work and what you might try next that eventually will work.

             You can't get to a positive result from a negative place. You can't browbeat yourself into any kind of lasting success. It's the wrong approach. Instead, tell yourself what you do need to do, what will work, and reinforce your efforts with honest praise, or, put in the coach's terms: "Throw long! Look before you run! You're doing great!" and watch yourself catapult into happiness and success.