Ditch The “Have-To’s” and Get To The (Way More Fun) “Want-To’s”!

Ever notice the list of “have-to’s” you’ve got going? As in ‘have-to’ get up and get yourself going, ‘have-to’ get everybody fed-dressed-out-the-door, ‘have-to’ get to work, ‘have-to’ do the work, ‘have-to’ put up with a boss/co-worker/client you can’t stand, ‘have-to’ run the errands, do the chores, pay the bills, and on and on.

When life is reduced to a list of “have-to’s,” it becomes a drudgery, just a long list of dutiful things you must do as a responsible adult.

YUCK!! Growing up was supposed to be fun. Yeah, right. No big surprise that your daydreams are all of lying on a beach somewhere, with absolutely no “have-to’s” whatsoever, other people being responsible for meeting your every desire and whim thank-you-very-much.

But what if you could transform being responsible into being response-able. Not in the form of some clever word-play that really doesn’t change anything, but into a meaningful change with substance.

What if you could transform “I have to” into “I want to”? Such that you would want to get yourself up and going, want to get everybody fed-dressed-out-the-door, want to get to work, want to do the work, want to figure out how to work with a boss/co-worker/client you can’t stand, want to run the errands, do the chores, pay the bills, and on and on. . .

All it takes is thinking for a moment about what you are trying to accomplish with your “have-to.”  For example, you “have-to” get yourself up and going in the morning. Why? What are you trying to accomplish? You want to have a productive and good day. Ah! So you do want the end result. Focus on that.

Or, you ‘have-to’ put up with a boss/co-worker/client you can’t stand. Again, ask yourself: why? What are you trying to accomplish? You want to get ahead in your career, you want to do a good job so you can get a raise, a bonus, or a promotion. There you go - that’s your end result. Focus on that.

Don’t sit there bemoaning how awful it is that you ‘have-to’ put up with these folks, instead, focus on the joy that getting ahead in your career will give you, on the good-feels a raise or promotion will give you.

The principle is the same regardless of what your particular ‘have-to’ (or unending list of ‘have-to’s’) is! Take a step back, and ask yourself: “What am I looking to accomplish here? What good/fun/rewarding result do I want to have happen by doing this ‘have-to’?”

Then take your focus off the seeming drudgery of the ‘have-to’ and put it where it belongs - on the joy of your success with whatever it is.

Now you’ve become genuinely response-able: able to respond to the situation in a way that pleases you, rather than suffer the groan-and-moan of ‘because I have to’ responsibility.

Are You Listening Competitively? Or Listening to Learn?

You know how you can be going along in a conversation with a friend or a loved one, and it all seems to be good, and suddenly, you say something and the conversation stalls or stops entirely. And you’re thinking "What happened?" You didn’t say anything insulting or mean, you just voiced your opinion. Or so you think…

I had lunch the other day with a dear friend I hadn't seen in a long time. I travel a lot for work, and she used to. I was bemoaning the tediousness of air travel - TSA, the delays, crowded conditions and all the rest - and I said how I would love some day to turn left instead of right when I boarded the plane. Namely, to saunter into the first class cabin where surely conditions were far better than in economy, my usual haunt.

My friend said "You know what I used to do? I'd buy my coach ticket, but then, at the last minute, right before boarding started, I’d go up to the counter agent and ask if there were any first class seats still available. And often, they’d say 'yes!' and I'd only pay an extra $200 instead of $2000 and get to fly first."

I immediately retorted with "Oh, that would never happen now. They jam the planes so full, there's never an available seat to be had."

And with that, the conversation ended - at least that part of it.

It was only later that it hit me, I had unwittingly denied my friend's experience of life. I had flat out slammed my reality in her face, as if hers didn't matter.

There are few things worse that we do to our friends and loved ones than make them feel like they don't matter. We rarely mean to, yet we do it all the time. It would have been so easy for me to consider her experience in my response: "I never thought of that. I wonder if it would still work, given the general overcrowding." I would not have thus denied either her experience or mine. And there would have been a continuing basis for conversation, had we wished to do so.

Simply put, instead of listening competitively "My experience is more right than yours" "I know better than you do about this," we need to (I need to!) listen to learn. Listen to those we care about with an ear to "What does this mean to them? How did they experience it? What about their experience might broaden my perspective?"

Relationships are about caring and sharing. What better way to do both than listening to learn!

Celebrate Your Life With Love this Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day: a joy if you're blessed with a wonderful relationship, an annoyance (or worse) if you're single and unhappy about it, or in a "challenging" (aka miserable) relationship . . .

But what if - splendidly coupled, despairingly single, or somewhere in between - you chose, this Valentine's Day to fall in love with your LIFE! To expand the idea of a day devoted to the love in our lives beyond that "special person," mate or significant other, and celebrate the love throughout your life: the love of your friends, your pets, your family members, your community, your living space, your occupation, your body, your very self. All the love that permeates your life, if you just for a moment, stop to see it.

Valentine's Day is that moment. Notice, all through your day, the love - the appreciation, the kindness, the caring - that your friends, pets, family, co-workers, cashiers, barristas, all those we share this planet with, extend to us in small and large ways. Smiles, a kind word, a helping hand - these, and so much more, we receive throughout our days. More, if you offer your love - your smile, your kindness, your help - to those you encounter as you live the ordinary time of your life.

Personally, I make it a practice to say "thank you" when it’s unexpected, for things that are too easily taken for granted. I travel a lot for my work, and I've surprised more than one TSA officer by saying "Thank you for keeping us safe," and cleaning personnel in public restrooms by saying "Thank you for keeping things clean for all of us." You should see the pleased look roadway construction workers give me when I thank them! Or grocery store managers when I ask for "the compliment department." I do my best to keep my awareness high of the many ways in which people, from nears and dears to strangers, fill my life with love.

You see, love isn't only romance and passion. Love is the care with which you do whatever it is you do, the consideration and respect you give to those you interact with.  And it is this love, freely and virtually unconsciously given by those I encounter throughout my days, in so many unique and varied ways, that enriches and inspires my life.

Valentine's Day! Yes, of course, celebrate the love with that special someone, but take fullest advantage of this remarkable and wondrous day to celebrate love! For it is truly all around you, every moment of every day, well worth celebrating.