I'm Not Arguing. I'm Just Explaining That I'm Right

Given my work as a trial consultant, I typically spend a lot of time on airplanes and consequently, in airports (at least until the COVID-19 outbreak). I was in an airport somewhere in the Midwest when I saw a fellow traveler wearing a t-shirt with words that I found positively brilliant: “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

Oh, the home truth in that one! How many times have you found yourself in an argument, heated discussion, whatever you want to call it, where you were fiercely determined to get across your point of view, because you knew that you were RIGHT! Beyond a shadow of a doubt, no hesitation whatsoever, you were indisputably, totally, awesomely, RIGHT. Except that the significant other, friend, person, to whom you were simply trying to impart your rightness, saw your “explaining” for what it truly was: arguing for your position. Whereupon you blurted out, “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

OK, so maybe not your exact words, but think about it. Haven’t you often found yourself persisting in a discussion because of your profound conviction of your rightness? Especially as we emerge from our time of social-isolation, each of us seems to have a different opinion of what’s the “right” way to go about it. The hiccup is, of course, that whoever you’re engaged in “discussion” with also thinks they are right. And rather than actually listening to the other person, you just plowed onward with explaining your “rightness.” As did they. Sigh.

The Art of Listening. So what to do? You’re probably not willing to cave, and say “Ok, you win, I was wrong.” Although you might, and it sometimes is the wisest course. Setting that option aside, how about hitting “pause” on that over active brain of yours, and simply listen to what the other person is saying? Listening as in paying attention to their words, the tone of their voice, the emotion with which they are speaking, even their body language. Listening without formulating your oh-so-clever comeback.

Specifically, listening for common ground. Listening for some aspect of what they are driving at that corresponds, even in a small way, with something you can agree with. For example, an argument over the family budget usually will have as common ground to the “You spend too much” “You’re a miser” positions, a desire to have a family budget that’s workable for all concerned. Notice I said workable, not perfect.

The Common Ground Approach. If you can find that piece of common ground, rather than continue to hammer away at “You spend too much/you’re a miser” positions, you can say something along the lines of “As I listen to you, I realize that what we both want here is a budget that actually makes sense to both of us.” Hard for your partner to disagree with that one. Maybe from there, you can back off the argument, and start to work towards a solution.

It's not easy. Yet, you’re a lot more likely to come to a feasible resolution if you quit defending your position under the guise of “explaining" and start heading in the direction of problem-solving.

Which yes, means listening with both heart and mind, to that person in front of you. It gets easier with practice, and eventually leads to a lot less grief.

A Gut-Wrench-Saving Question: Is It Worth It?

 

You can hardly go anywhere these days without someone wanting to talk politics: local, national, global. The internet keeps us apprised of seemingly everything that’s happening everywhere on the planet at every instant--every tweet, photo-op (legit or not) and glitch.

All this is fine if it weren’t for the fact that we all, each and every one of us, have an opinion about the latest bit of political whatever. A friend of mine was telling me in no uncertain terms that I was wrong, just dead wrong, about my opinion, and began to enumerate all the reasons why she was right. I was lining up my counter-reasons in my head, all set to pepper her with how wrong she was, when suddenly my inner Obi-Wan Kenobi popped up with; “Take the high ground . . Is it worth it?”

Screech! (Sound of mental brakes.) I looked at my dear friend, whom I love for a gazillion reasons, and realized no, it’s not worth it! I’m never going to budge her from her opinion, and all the resulting argument would have done was wrench my stomach and hurt my heart. All for nothing.

I switched my focus. Sounds easy, just four little words, but it’s probably one of the most challenging things I’ve learned to do – and still must practice consistently. I admired my friend’s passion for her stance, her ability to articulate it so fully and her ardent desire to communicate it to me. Which allowed me to calmly, with a decent amount of humor, present my thoughts. No arguing, no “you’re wrong,” just an Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque civilized reply.

There are umpteen situations in which asking “Is it worth it?” can help you avoid unnecessary stress and misery. When that jerk cuts you off in traffic waving a hand with a certain finger rigidly upheld, instead of responding in kind, asking “Is it worth it?” allows you to just let it go. He/she’s the jerk, not you. Or you’re standing in what you think is the returns line only to find out it’s the pick-up line, and you have to start all over. You can get irate and grouchy (thereby ruining your day), or you can ask yourself “Is it worth it?” chalk it up to experience, and continue on to a pleasant day.

Any time you find yourself getting irritated, angry, annoyed or defensive, ask yourself first, “Is it worth it?” If it isn’t, either let it go, or find a calm, preferably humorous way to address whatever got you going. And if it is “worth it,” then marshal your thoughts with care, and communicate them with as little emotional upheaval as you can.

You may be surprised at how much isn’t “worth it.”

Thank you, Obi-Wan Kenobi.