I'm Not Arguing. I'm Just Explaining That I'm Right

Given my work as a trial consultant, I typically spend a lot of time on airplanes and consequently, in airports (at least until the COVID-19 outbreak). I was in an airport somewhere in the Midwest when I saw a fellow traveler wearing a t-shirt with words that I found positively brilliant: “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

Oh, the home truth in that one! How many times have you found yourself in an argument, heated discussion, whatever you want to call it, where you were fiercely determined to get across your point of view, because you knew that you were RIGHT! Beyond a shadow of a doubt, no hesitation whatsoever, you were indisputably, totally, awesomely, RIGHT. Except that the significant other, friend, person, to whom you were simply trying to impart your rightness, saw your “explaining” for what it truly was: arguing for your position. Whereupon you blurted out, “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

OK, so maybe not your exact words, but think about it. Haven’t you often found yourself persisting in a discussion because of your profound conviction of your rightness? Especially as we emerge from our time of social-isolation, each of us seems to have a different opinion of what’s the “right” way to go about it. The hiccup is, of course, that whoever you’re engaged in “discussion” with also thinks they are right. And rather than actually listening to the other person, you just plowed onward with explaining your “rightness.” As did they. Sigh.

The Art of Listening. So what to do? You’re probably not willing to cave, and say “Ok, you win, I was wrong.” Although you might, and it sometimes is the wisest course. Setting that option aside, how about hitting “pause” on that over active brain of yours, and simply listen to what the other person is saying? Listening as in paying attention to their words, the tone of their voice, the emotion with which they are speaking, even their body language. Listening without formulating your oh-so-clever comeback.

Specifically, listening for common ground. Listening for some aspect of what they are driving at that corresponds, even in a small way, with something you can agree with. For example, an argument over the family budget usually will have as common ground to the “You spend too much” “You’re a miser” positions, a desire to have a family budget that’s workable for all concerned. Notice I said workable, not perfect.

The Common Ground Approach. If you can find that piece of common ground, rather than continue to hammer away at “You spend too much/you’re a miser” positions, you can say something along the lines of “As I listen to you, I realize that what we both want here is a budget that actually makes sense to both of us.” Hard for your partner to disagree with that one. Maybe from there, you can back off the argument, and start to work towards a solution.

It's not easy. Yet, you’re a lot more likely to come to a feasible resolution if you quit defending your position under the guise of “explaining" and start heading in the direction of problem-solving.

Which yes, means listening with both heart and mind, to that person in front of you. It gets easier with practice, and eventually leads to a lot less grief.

Is Your Anger Under Control Or Are You “Eating Your Heart”?

The ancient Egyptians had a fairly complicated process by which they were allowed  - or not – to access what we might now call “Heaven” after their death. Among other things, they were to approach the gods of the Underworld with a series of negative affirmations: a recitation of all those things they had not done during their lifetimes. Sort of a reverse Ten Commandments as in “I have not killed,” “I have not disrespected my parents,” “I have not stolen.” And one of the negative affirmations was “I have not eaten my heart.”

Certainly they did not mean literally (yuck!), but rather the many emotional or mental ways in which we “eat our hearts.” One of the primary ways being anger.

I was struck by this phrase, as it is scientifically completely accurate. What the ancient Egyptians could not have known by way of modern scientific technology, yet assessed perfectly, is that anger literally “eats our hearts.”

Research shows that “healthy people who are often angry or hostile are 19% more likely than calmer people to get heart disease. Among people with heart disease, those who usually feel angry or hostile fared worse than others.”

It’s easy to see how that works: when you are in the grip of anger, fear, or other powerful negative thoughts and feelings, your heart rate becomes chaotic, irregular, and unpredictable, which means it no longer pumps blood in an orderly manner to your cells. Such a disordered heart rhythm has nasty consequences, such as high blood pressure, which in turn contributes to hardening of the arteries, stroke, kidney disease, and even to the development of heart failure. Not to mention an early demise: according to the CDC, the leading cause of death in the US is cardiovascular disease. Who needs that?

So yes, those ancient Egyptians were spot on: anger does eat your heart. But to be clear, it’s not that occasional “Aargh!!!” that we all experience that eats our hearts. It’s the anger of past hurts you keep fueling day after day with resentment or blame. It’s that slow burn of some perceived injustice that keeps you fuming inside, even though on the outside your happy face is neatly plastered on. It’s reacting too quickly and too dramatically to the ordinary frustrations of life.

Don’t eat your heart. Feel that initial spurt of anger, sure, but as quickly as you can, release it. Express it appropriately, communicate your feelings in as calm and rational a manner as you can, and let it go. Practice meditation or mindfulness to help you navigate life from a calmer place. Do your best to give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt rather than getting yourself all riled up over whatever.

We are all in this together, you know, and as hard as it may be to see sometimes – people (you included) are really doing the best they can in the moment with what they’ve got from where they are. Better to nourish your heart with appreciation for our shared humanity than to harbor anger, which in the end only dims your enjoyment of life, and shortens it.

To give you a visual of the difference appreciation makes to your heart health, here are two graphs, one of your heart rate when you’re experiencing anger, the other of when you’re experiencing appreciation. A picture truly is worth a thousand words!