Quit Inflicting “BUT” on Yourself!

 

While I was waiting for my dance class to start, I watched an instructor patiently coach a couple through what was obviously one of their first lessons. The instructor was having them do a “box step,” which is what it sounds like. A “box” made with your feet. It consists of two parts, a forward half box and a backward half box. Each half box has three steps: a step forward or backward, a step to the side, and a step to close the feet together. The instructor was counting out the steps slowly. Very slowly.

The woman was getting the hang of it pretty well, but the guy was not. Oh, the steps weren’t throwing him, it was the timing of the steps. “I’m sorry, Honey,” he said to his partner, “but I can’t dance. You know I can’t. There’s just no way.” The instructor looked at him and said, “But you can walk, right?” “Well, yeah,” he replied. “So, let’s just walk. Hold your partner, like you were, in front of you. You walk forward, she’ll walk backward,” the instructor explained. The instructor checked in with the woman, who replied: “Yeah, I’m fine with that.”

And off they went, the instructor counting off the steps, giving the walk a rhythm. I could take bets that by the end of their lesson, the man would know how to do a box step, the first on his journey to being able to – you guessed it – dance!

Here’s why. The instructor, the wise person that she is, used the word ‘but’ as a positive, as in “But you can walk,” instead of the man’s negative “But I can’t dance,” which is what we dismally do to ourselves so often. We “but” ourselves out of so many things we’d love to be or have or do. “But I could never afford that car/dress/travel,” as opposed to “But I could start saving and who knows? It might add up faster than I think.” Or, to your long-held dream of writing songs: “But I can’t play an instrument, I haven’t an ear for music,” instead of “But what if I found a musician who could work with me? After all, Beethoven composed some of his most famous works when he was completely deaf!”

For every negative “but,” a positive “but” can be found. You just must be willing to look for it. Babies and toddlers know this very well. The negative “but” has no meaning for them. All they know is “I want, therefore I go/grab.” Engage your inner toddler and go valiantly forth into whatever it is you fiercely desire, no “buts” about it!

Get Picky With Your Thoughts!

 

Last week, I had a rather nasty disagreement with a colleague. Even though it got resolved – well, sort of – I found myself going over and over it in my mind. For days. Not a productive path to mental well-being, no way, no how.

I realized, somewhere amid my internal grousing, that I was letting my thoughts run me, instead of doing the intelligent thing--choosing deliberately the thoughts I dwell on. Huh! How about that? I am pickier about the produce I select at the store than I am about the thoughts I allow free rein through my mind. Pickier about what I’m going to wear on any given day, pickier about the gas I put in my car and pickier about pretty much everything else.

Enough already! I didn’t need to rehash the disagreement. What I needed to do was get picky about how I thought about it. I couldn’t very well shut off my brain, as tempting as that would be at times. So I returned to a truth I know that has served me very well over the years: people are always doing the best they can with what they’ve got from where they are at the time. That may not be their always “best,” it may not even look like any kind of best, but it is the best that is available to them, given what they know and where they’re at emotionally, mentally or physically.

That includes me. And apparently, grousing was the best I could do for a while. It doesn’t mean I had to stay stuck there. Reminding myself that I can certainly get picky about my thoughts helped me get back to a better place with myself--a saner perspective on the situation with my colleague.

Relief! So yes, get picky. Preferably not about other people--everyone has the right to think as they choose--but about yourself! About what occupies that space between your ears all day long. After all, don’t you want to be doing the best you can with what you’ve got from where you are? And I’ll bet your best is generally better than what you think it is.

Discard Negative Thoughts that Sabotage Your Life – Embrace a Positive Mindset Instead!

Photo courtesy of Sixty and Me

The dictionary defines sabotage as an attempt to deliberately destroy, damage, or otherwise obstruct something. When we sabotage ourselves, it's often sneaky and can go virtually undetected until we realize that we’re unhappy, or feeling unfulfilled, or that we’re hurt in some way.

One of the sneakiest saboteurs I know of is our nasty habit of entertaining negative thoughts. Thoughts that see the glass as half-empty, our world as unfulfilling, other people as treacherous.

Sabotage Is Unhealthy. Entertain negative thoughts often enough, with sufficient energy, and your health will suffer. Science tells us that such negative thinking depresses our immune system, which in turn can lead to a host of unwelcome disorders: cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, certain cancers, Alzheimer's disease, frailty and functional decline, to name but a few.

The sneaky aspect is that often these thoughts are partially grounded in reality. My flight was canceled this morning, customer service was having a dickens of a time re-booking some 80 passengers and the upshot is we were all considerably late to wherever we were headed. Glass half-empty? You bet. In that moment, my world was certainly unfulfilling, and the notion that my luggage wouldn’t make it to my destination was “treacherous.”

In and of themselves, such thoughts are harmless. Sabotage occurs when we dwell on them--we end up rehashing negative events, looking ahead with trepidation, distrusting everyone and everything on a regular basis.

Negative Thoughts Hold Us Back. The ensuing sabotage of our otherwise happy, healthy lives prevents us from trying new things, exploring new activities. We shy away from the unfamiliar, even if a part of us really wants to try it.

We say to ourselves, “I don’t know how,” as if people who know how were somehow born with the ability. We say, “I’ll be terrible at it.” Everybody is terrible at something new--it takes perseverance and patience to get good at things. We say, “I’m inadequate” or “I’ve never done anything like this,” and with that we squash whatever dream we had. As we move through our 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, we are prone to even more such talk.

What a shame. How dreadful to sabotage dreams, dash hopes and aspirations before they even get off the ground.

How life would have been different for Quin Bommelje, if, at 60, she had said to her husband “No, I don’t think we should try ballroom dancing. I mean, come on, look at us! We’re not dancers, we’re in our 60s, what’s the point of taking ballroom lessons?” Well, the point is that once she and her husband started dancing, Quin discovered she really enjoyed it. At 71, a mere 11 years later, Quin won the America’s Got Talent Golden Buzzer award with her dance partner, Misha. Her message to all: age is irrelevant to living your dream.

Yet age is only irrelevant if you don’t allow those sabotaging thoughts to intrude. Counter every negative thought with a positive “Yeah, but,” as in “Yeah, but it might be fun,” “Yeah, but you never know, I might just get good at it.”  

Never let yourself say “That’s all very well for those people, not regular people like me.” Not so. In my research of seniors, I’ve learned an essential, profound truth: they are without exception “regular people.” Some able-bodied, some not so, some long-time active individuals, some never. All of them are just like you and me, with one critical difference; they never let sabotaging thoughts interfere with their desire to be or do whatever it is that makes their hearts sing.

As for my canceled/re-booked travel today, I reversed my negative thinking and put an end to my self-sabotage by reminding myself that I’ve flown umpteen times and always made it to wherever I needed to go in sufficient time. That the airlines are well intentioned, in the business of satisfying customers, and eventually all would be well. And by the time my little red suitcase and I were reunited at the right destination, my sabotaging thoughts were long gone.

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For stories about amazing older folks, go to https://www.Facebook.com/MeetTheAmazings.

Turn "Yeah, but" On Its Head

Ever have one of those "Yeah, but" conversations? Your friend has lost her job. Being the supportive friend that you are, you say:

             "Hey, you’ve got tons of skills. All you need to do is revamp your resume, and you’ll be hired in no time."

            "Yeah, but the economy sucks. It’s gonna take forever!"

            "No it won’t - you’ve got personality and smarts on top of skills."

            "Yeah, but what if that’s not enough? You hear stories all the time of qualified people who beat the pavement for years and years."

            "Those are just urban legends. People like you, with all you’ve got going for you, you’ll find an even better job in no time."

            "Yeah, but what if I don’t? How am I gonna pay the rent?!"

            "Well, I’ll help. And so will the rest of your friends, you’ll be OK. It’s just a transition time."

            "Yeah, but . . ."

 

It’s a conversation with no end. Your friend has now driven herself even deeper into her depression/fear/anxiety hole, and you’re increasingly frustrated, since all your good will and good ideas are met with "Yeah, but."

You may or may not eventually get through your friend’s "Yeah, buts"--but one thing is for sure; you can get through your own "Yeah, buts" with a slight change in focus.

Oh, you thought this was going to be about your friend? Sorry. That was just an easier way to ease you into remembering all the times you’ve allowed the "Yeah, buts" to destroy your confidence, dreams, hopes and desires.

Because that is precisely what negative "Yeah, buts" do.

You have a dream of having your own business. Maybe on the Internet. Your internal dialogue goes something like this:

            "I’d love to create a fantastic app/clothing/game - my own business."

            "Yeah, but, who are you to do something like that? People way smarter than you are failing at that one every day."

            "I know, but maybe I could. I mean, Steve Jobs started in a garage."

(Huge peals of laughter from the committee in your head.)

            "Yeah, uh-huh, you are soooo like Steve Jobs."

So turn the tables on the negative "Yeah, buts"!

            "I’d love to create a fantastic app/clothing/game--my own business."

            "Yeah, but, who are you to do something like that? People way smarter than you are failing at that one every day."

            "Yeah, lots of people fail, but lots of people succeed too. I could be one of those."

            "Yeah, but, you hardly have the smarts to do that."

            "Yeah, maybe there are other people smarter, but smarts aren’t everything. I’ve got perseverance and passion in spades! I really want this and that counts for at least as much as smarts."

Get the drift? Instead of killing your hopes and dreams with negative "Yeah, buts" nurture and support them with positive "Yeah, buts."

If certain people had let the negative "Yeah, buts" run their lives, man would never have made it to the moon, nor Steve Jobs out of his garage. Why should you?