Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys

 

One of my pet peeves (I, who spend entirely too much time driving the California freeways) is drivers who don’t use their turn signals. Come on, when traveling down the freeway, the last thing you need is some driver cutting in front of you without even the hint of a warning. Namely, said turn signal.

Turn signals were invented for a reason: safety! It’s just dangerous not to let fellow occupants of the road know what you’re about to do. Plus, to my mind, it’s disrespectful and discourteous. So there.

But the other day, after spending a good 10 minutes ranting, albeit silently and alone in my car, about the latest no-turn-signal driver’s behavior, a saying flashed through my mind: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” As in, that driver’s behavior, and others like theirs, isn’t mine to fix or correct, so not my “circus,” and they are definitely “not my monkeys.”

Huh. So I just wasted 10 precious minutes of my life on something that isn’t my business in the first place, and about which I can do absolutely nothing. Talk about a wake-up call! I started logging how much time I focus on circuses that aren’t mine, trying to corral monkeys that aren’t mine either. In a word, too much.

I put myself on a “circus and monkeys” diet. Now, when I catch myself obsessing about something like that, I switch my focus as quickly as possible to something pleasing to focus on, like the beauty of nature all around us. Or on something that is in my “circus and monkey” domain, like how to handle a problematic work situation.

Life is too valuable to waste on situations we can do nothing about. So give up other people’s circuses! They are not worth your time or your energy. Tend to your own monkeys, your life will be better for it.

Talk Yourself UP, Not Down!, Episode 112, Season 5

Why is it the voice in your head criticizes you non-stop? What if you instead talked yourself up, not down? Would anything change? Yes, indeed! In this podcast, you’ll be introduced to some easy techniques that can power you into the land of “up” not “down” to greater happiness and success!

Listen to all Up! Podcasts here.

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Too Many Missed Opportunities? Power Down Your Mobile!, Episode 111, Season 5

No, your world won’t come to a complete stop if you get your face out of your devices from time to time. On the contrary, in this podcast, explore how using your eyes as well as your ears to communicate with people puts you ahead of the game, whether that’s at work, at home, or even at the gym!

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SMILE! You’ll Live Longer

 

I don’t think my ballroom instructor/dance partner was concerned with my longevity when he barked “You gotta smile!” at me as we practiced for an upcoming competition. I’m like “Really? Besides remembering my patterns, keeping my upper body lifted, my feet grounded, my legs long, my head up and my elbows wide, all of which are taking 100% of my effort and concentration, I gotta SMILE?!” Apparently, yes. So fine, I will smile. There!

But really, smiling is good for a lot more than dance competitions. Namely, people who smile more tend to enjoy numerous health benefits such as lower blood pressure, more endorphins (the good-feel hormone) and less stress-enhancing hormones (i.e., cortisol). They also have a longer life span. Plus, people who smile are viewed more positively by others than people who don’t. What’s not to smile about in all that?

You may ask, so how? Run around with a dental-commercial smile pasted on your face? No. That’s phony and wouldn’t feel right anyway. Rather, simply allow your face to relax into a smile when you see or hear something that pleases you. It doesn’t have to be in public situations, although the barista will appreciate the smile that accompanies your “thank you” as will the cashier or your co-worker. You can smile at your pet, your child/partner (ok, sometimes anyway), that lovely flower or sunset or at the memory of a savored moment.

Smiling is more of a habit to get into than anything else. The slight relaxation that usually ensues when one smiles should be enough to prompt you to smile more.

Smile! And enjoy the benefits.

Celebrate Your Special Love Without Breaking the Bank, Episode 110, Season 5

Why is celebrating your Anniversary – or any other special occasion with your partner – seem to cost so much? Do you really have to spend a fortune to prove to your beloved, that yes indeed, you do love them? In this podcast, discover a way to celebrate your love without spending your last dime--and making them oh-so-happy in the process . . .

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Shape Your Life UP: Tell Yourself the (Desired) Truth, Episode 109, Season 5

Do you ever feel like absolutely nothing is going your way? And like there’s nothing you can do about it but somehow endure this misery? In this podcast, find out how you can take charge of your life’s experiences and get to the happiness and success you deserve!

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Take Back Your Life!

One of the unexpected consequences of the pervasiveness of social media in our daily lives is the bleed-over into our real lives--the lives we experience in direct contact with other humans, instead of via any of the currently popular social media platforms. We have become, without necessarily realizing it, much more aware of how others see us and what they think of us. After all, we are easily subject to “likes,” “swipes,” “follows,” to name but a few, along with potentially damaging posts-gone-viral.

Whether these social media comments are harmful or beneficial isn’t the point. The point is that we are far more sensitized to others’ opinions of ourselves than we were a generation or so ago. It means that we tend to conform to how we think others want us to be or behave, and to not be who we truly are too much of the time. After all, we don’t want to be socially disapproved of. We don’t want to be swiped left.

Enough! Rebel! Take your life back! It’s about setting boundaries. We don’t need to be liked by everybody. We do need to be socially appropriate and responsible to our families, our communities and our work, but that’s about it. Boundaries can be set with respect and mindful of others, but they do need to be set if you intend to live your life in a way that pleases you, as opposed to pleasing everyone else who might weigh in on how you are and what you do.

I had an interesting experience with boundary-setting recently. I was on vacation, a rare treat for me, enjoying a boat ride along with half a dozen other vacationers. I didn’t know any of the people on the boat, which was fine with my introverted self. I was happily enjoying the sun, the ocean and the boat ride. A lady sitting near me asked me where I was from, I answered “California” and she immediately launched into “Isn’t it terrible about all those fires?” and went on and on about it.

Indeed, California had just been through a succession of devastating fires and it was on the news for days. I said nothing, just nodded, until she asked me, with considerable gusto, “So how did you do? Were you in the middle of all that? Was it really awful for you?” I made an executive decision with myself: time to set a boundary. “I prefer not to talk about it,” I said, as neutrally and politely as I could. “Oh!” she exclaimed, very surprised at my non-social response. But I didn’t want to talk about fires with anyone, certainly not a stranger, because after losing my home to a wildfire a few years ago, any talk about fires tends to trigger my PTSD symptoms.

I didn’t care what she thought of me. She could “swipe left” me the whole rest of the trip, it didn’t matter. I had taken back my life, done it “my way” as it were, with respect and appropriately, but taken it back nonetheless.

Do you sometimes let others’ opinions of you matter too much? Diminish your individuality, your uniqueness? Something to think about. When you find yourself overly conforming just to be “liked,” take a breath. Ask yourself, “Do I need to set a boundary here? Take my life back?” and act accordingly. You deserve to be who you are, who you want to be.

Stop! I’m Decisioned-Out!, Episode 108, Season 5

Too many decisions to make about too many things every moment of every day. Yikes! Welcome to the ever-increasing number of choices offered to us daily from big decisions like house/car buying to which laundry detergent will really clean your clothes. 

In this podcast, you’ll discover a 3 step technique to help you deal with our exponentially expanding universe of choices, without going nuts or giving in to “whatever.”

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Would You Marry You?, Episode 107, Season 5

As Valentine’s Day rapidly approaches, how about checking in with yourself as to your lovability? Yes, you know you’re a great person, terrific, but are you loveable? Great question! In this podcast, you’ll explore how to find out where you’re at in terms of your lovability – beyond your pretty/handsome face and winsome personality – to genuinely answer the question: Would you marry you?

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Love Is Like Fairy Dust

 

You can sprinkle love anywhere! Anytime. Just like fairy dust. It’s not love as in “hugs and kisses,” as nice as those are, it’s love by a different description. Namely, “to delight in the presence of.” Nice, huh? You won’t find that definition in any dictionary. I heard it many years ago in a seminar and it hit home with me. I never forgot it.

In this month of love, with Valentine’s Day as its pinnacle, what if you chose to sprinkle love (aka fairy dust) in the form of “delighting in the presence of”? It doesn’t cost a dime, although it does take a bit of effort. Not much, really, and gets easier as you do it more often.

How do you do it?

It’s easy. Notice that when you appreciate someone or something, the appreciation makes you smile, even if only inwardly? I brought a rose in from my garden yesterday, and I can’t help but delight in its presence. It’s beautiful, and as the petals unfurl, it gets even more beautiful. Such delight is a little thing. It takes but seconds, and yet . . . a little more love just got sprinkled into the Universe.

It's really a question of focus. You can focus on your partner’s or your children’s flaws, or you can focus on how much fun it is to do things together that you all enjoy. Every time you focus on something about your partner/child that delights you, you’ve sprinkled more fairy dust.

Don’t have a partner or children? Not a problem. You can delight in literally anything, including yourself in the mirror. Really? Of course! Focusing on your crow’s feet, that new pimple or your receding hairline just makes you unhappy. Instead, sprinkle some fairy dust your way. Delight in how smooth your skin is, how pretty the color of your nut-brown/blue/green/hazel eyes is and how your smile lights up your whole face.

Try it. Sprinkle fairy dust wherever and however you can as you go through your day. The results may surprise you, and you don’t even need a wand.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Bonding or Bondage? How Does Your Relationship Stack Up?, Episode 106, Season 5

When did your relationship togetherness become a drag rather than a joy? What happened to the fun-loving happy-together couple that you once were? Wouldn’t it be nice to have that feeling of “happy together” once again? Well, in this podcast, you’ll find out just how to re-discover the closeness, the joy in your relationship.

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The “Just One” Secret to Fitness, Episode 105, Season 5

Does the seeming impossibility of reaching your New Year fitness goals have you beyond frustrated? How can you pay attention to something as seemingly selfish as personal well-being when there’s so much else to take care of: family, work, etc.? In this podcast discover how to easily get to that energized self you want to be and truly deserve!

Listen to all Up! Podcasts here.

 

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Three Surprisingly Powerful Words: Tell Me More

 

The first month of the New Year is traditionally when we give thought to what we might want next in our lives. As in wanting to change, or achieve, or hoping will be different. Such as the idea of better relationships with family, friends, loved ones, even pets. Starting with having less conflict or arguments with our nearest and dearest. Well, supposed to be our nearest and dearest. . .

A tried-and-true way of getting there can be summed up very simply by the phrase, “Seek first to understand.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it? We all want to be more understanding of the others in our lives. Preferably without turning into doormats. But what does it really mean? And how do you get there?

Glad you asked. You see, “Seek first to understand” is actually a great way to defuse conflict because it lets you step back from a defensive posture. When you don’t attempt to respond with righteous push-back, but instead first try to understand where your partner, co-worker, child, or pet is coming from, chances are there won’t be an argument. Oh, you still may not come to a perfect solution, but as you understand what matters to the other, you open the door to negotiation, compromise, and eventually mutually acceptable solutions.

The easiest, most effective way to get to understanding someone else’s position or thinking, is to first take a breath and take a mental step back so you don’t march in with your automatic “That makes no sense!” or “You’re wrong, that’s all there is to it.” Then, as calmly and neutrally as you can, say something like “Ok, I hear you. Please tell me more.” And then wait. If that means internally counting to 10, so be it. 10 it is. Or 15 or 20. Whatever you need to help you stay calm. Meanwhile, if they stand there in stunned disbelief, which is highly likely, or ask “What do you mean, tell you more? There’s nothing more to say,” respond (calmly!) with something like “Tell me more about what that means to you, how it matters.” Once again, wait.

The wording of this technique is important. “Tell me more” gets you further than “I want to understand” which makes them ask about you. “Tell me more” makes it about them. And asking what something means and how it matters doesn’t engage the other’s defensiveness, whereas asking “why” most often does.

“Seek first to understand” rather than seeking first to win the argument. Try the “tell me more” technique and see for yourself just how much further it takes you along the road to peaceful relationships in every area of your life.

Happy 2025!