Take Back Your Life!

One of the unexpected consequences of the pervasiveness of social media in our daily lives is the bleed-over into our real lives--the lives we experience in direct contact with other humans, instead of via any of the currently popular social media platforms. We have become, without necessarily realizing it, much more aware of how others see us and what they think of us. After all, we are easily subject to “likes,” “swipes,” “follows,” to name but a few, along with potentially damaging posts-gone-viral.

Whether these social media comments are harmful or beneficial isn’t the point. The point is that we are far more sensitized to others’ opinions of ourselves than we were a generation or so ago. It means that we tend to conform to how we think others want us to be or behave, and to not be who we truly are too much of the time. After all, we don’t want to be socially disapproved of. We don’t want to be swiped left.

Enough! Rebel! Take your life back! It’s about setting boundaries. We don’t need to be liked by everybody. We do need to be socially appropriate and responsible to our families, our communities and our work, but that’s about it. Boundaries can be set with respect and mindful of others, but they do need to be set if you intend to live your life in a way that pleases you, as opposed to pleasing everyone else who might weigh in on how you are and what you do.

I had an interesting experience with boundary-setting recently. I was on vacation, a rare treat for me, enjoying a boat ride along with half a dozen other vacationers. I didn’t know any of the people on the boat, which was fine with my introverted self. I was happily enjoying the sun, the ocean and the boat ride. A lady sitting near me asked me where I was from, I answered “California” and she immediately launched into “Isn’t it terrible about all those fires?” and went on and on about it.

Indeed, California had just been through a succession of devastating fires and it was on the news for days. I said nothing, just nodded, until she asked me, with considerable gusto, “So how did you do? Were you in the middle of all that? Was it really awful for you?” I made an executive decision with myself: time to set a boundary. “I prefer not to talk about it,” I said, as neutrally and politely as I could. “Oh!” she exclaimed, very surprised at my non-social response. But I didn’t want to talk about fires with anyone, certainly not a stranger, because after losing my home to a wildfire a few years ago, any talk about fires tends to trigger my PTSD symptoms.

I didn’t care what she thought of me. She could “swipe left” me the whole rest of the trip, it didn’t matter. I had taken back my life, done it “my way” as it were, with respect and appropriately, but taken it back nonetheless.

Do you sometimes let others’ opinions of you matter too much? Diminish your individuality, your uniqueness? Something to think about. When you find yourself overly conforming just to be “liked,” take a breath. Ask yourself, “Do I need to set a boundary here? Take my life back?” and act accordingly. You deserve to be who you are, who you want to be.

Ho-Ho-Ho, the Joy of Saying “No”

 

Ah, the upcoming Holiday Season--starting with Thanksgiving and ramping up through Christmas, with no let-up until the beginning of the year. For those who are already tired from a year’s worth of work, kids, parents, chores, and everything else, the Holiday Season, despite the many joys it may bring, can feel simply exhausting. Overwhelming. Cringe-worthy.

But what’s a body to do? Pull the covers over your head and hide in bed for the next two months? Probably not a good idea, given your family obligations, relatives coming to visit, expectations at work, and so on.

There is another way. Two, actually.

1. Just Say “No.”

You’re appalled. How dare I suggest such a thing when people are counting on you? Who’s going to bake all those cookies for the school holiday party? And the Thanksgiving turkey? You don’t trust your partner to do it properly, look at how they overcooked the last one. Plus, you’ll no doubt be asked to join the holiday choir (like last year), organize the holiday potluck at work, and probably play Secret Santa as well.

Saying “No” is all about how you say it. When you say, “No, thank you, but I appreciate your asking,” it’s hard for the asker to get upset with you. They may not like the answer, but you were so polite and straightforward that they realized they could do nothing about it. Then be ready with an easy, equally straightforward reason (if requested) for your “No,” such as “I need to focus on other priorities for now.” Most people will be reluctant to press further, but if they do, a vague “family matters” or such will suffice.

2. Delegate. How? To Whom?

One of the easiest ways to delegate over the holidays is to enroll the help of your local grocery store. I kid you not. Pre-cooked turkeys, already-baked cookies, and all sorts of other holiday goodies are readily available. You just need to get over your “I have to do it all myself” or your belief that only you can cook a turkey/bake cookies properly.

For other matters, delegate by asking for help. Yes, it’s OK not to be perfect, not to be Wonder-Human, and to need assistance. If you ask with “please” and “thank you” in your request, you’d be surprised at how nicely people will generally respond. Will the person do whatever you’ve asked exactly as you would? Probably not. Will it still be good enough? Probably yes.

Give yourself a break this Holiday Season. Saying “no” and delegating will go a long way toward easing your end-of-year exhaustion.

Be A Champion in Your Own Life

 

The Paris Olympics were superb. The opportunity to watch the very best of the best athletes at the top of their game was phenomenal. Yet as I was enjoying yet another spectacular gymnastic move or shot-put, I realized how much we can all learn from these amazing individuals. No, not how to be a gymnast or shot-putter necessarily, but how to be a Champion in our own lives. How to approach our lives with the qualities that make a Champion.

What are those qualities?

First a passion for whatever activity or experience you pursue. It’s that passion that lights the fire within us, that makes us willing to do the tasks and take the steps, that will lead to the fulfillment of the activity/experience. It doesn’t matter if it’s washing the dishes or climbing Mt. Whitney, if you approach the endeavor with enthusiasm, then you’ll be willing to apply yourself to the washing or climbing successfully.

Second, persistence. Being willing to do the daily do, the seemingly boring repetitive actions that accomplishing anything worthwhile takes. Because when fueled by passion, those same actions are no longer boring, although they may still be repetitious. No way did any of the Olympians we admired achieve their magic overnight or on the first (or second or hundredth) try.  What they have, which so many of us lack, is dogged persistence.

The third quality is what I call “failure-blindness.” It’s the Champion’s inability to conceive of failure as such. Instead, as Billie Jean King, that indomitable tennis Champion, put it: “We don’t call it failure, we call it feedback.” Perceiving your less-than-stellar attempts or results as feedback for how to do whatever better next time is a sure way to success. Thinking of your goofs and flops, your mistakes and losses as “failures” is a sure way to well–fail.

Passion, persistence, and failure-blindness. Worthy qualities to practice regularly until they become second nature. A sure road to greater happiness and success, no matter what it is your heart desires.

Be Here, Now!

 

You’ve undoubtedly heard the phrase “Be here, now.” It’s a way to remind ourselves that life is lived in the present moment, and it’s well worth enjoying whatever we can in the present. But “Be here, now” is also a wonderful way to soothe ourselves when confronted by something anxiety-provoking or that upsets us. It’s not necessarily a solution or a cure-all, but it is a way to ground ourselves.

For example, I’m driving along a California freeway during rush hour. No one is going anywhere very fast, even though we’re in the “fast lane.” We’re sort of all muddling along at a respectable 50 mph. Suddenly a car some 10 car lengths ahead comes to an abrupt stop, which makes everyone behind that car stop abruptly, the domino effect, which is fine, except the car directly in front of me couldn’t stop quite fast enough, so they did exactly what the driver’s ed manual says to do, and veered into the left shoulder so as not to hit the car in front of them, and managed not to hit the concrete divider either.

Seeing this, my heart rate zoomed as I jammed on my brakes, praying that those behind me would as well, and fortunately, within minutes, everything settled down and cars started going again. Slowly. Very slowly. Meanwhile, to stop the frantic beating of my heart and incipient panic attack, I started in on my grounding mantra: “safe, warm and dry.” As in I’m safe, right here, right now. Right here, right now, I’m in my car, undamaged, unhurt, able to continue driving to my destination. I’m safe. In this moment, right here, right now, I’m OK. I take a couple of deep breaths to further calm myself, and off I go.

You may wonder about the “warm and dry.” In the aftermath of the wildfire that destroyed my home, not knowing where, what, how, when, or whatever else was going to happen, I repeated endlessly to myself “I’m safe, warm and dry.” That was the “here, now” that mattered. That I and my dogs were safe, warm and dry. Everything else was literally up for grabs.

No, grounding yourself isn’t intended to solve whatever situation has you scared or upset, but it will help your mind stop barreling down the rabbit hole of imminent disaster long enough to take realistic stock of whatever’s going on. To be more present to what’s required given the situation. In the “sudden stop” example, to resume driving with a sufficient degree of calm so that I could be a decent driver.

There’s power in the present, in the “here, now.” Don’t take it for granted, use it, appreciate it and enjoy its many benefits.

 

Be Your Own BFF

It doesn’t matter whether I’m having trouble learning a new dance step, stumped on a piece of writing that has an all-too-soon deadline or forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, whatever, my immediate go-to is to diss myself. How could I be so stupid, inept, or unconscious that I find myself in this disheartening situation?!

Then I mentally flagellate myself for a while, before I finally remember to ask “Why am I martyring myself over this? What purpose?” Zip. None. Nada. My self-imposed suffering doesn’t solve the problem, make the discomfort go away, or achieve any other useful objective. If anything, all that mental anguish makes it harder to come up with solution-oriented thoughts, in addition to being a completely unnecessary waste of time.

Would I ever, in a million years, subject a friend to the mental battering I just inflicted on myself? No. Unequivocally, absolutely not. So why am I doing it to myself?

Simple! I’ve forgotten how important it is to be my own BFF. To remind myself that people make mistakes, and it’s OK. Most problems have a solution if one is willing to go down the solution path rather than continue to chase the problem down an unfathomable rabbit hole. Nobody’s perfect, certainly not me, and, mercifully, perfection isn’t required for a good and fulfilling life.

Of course, it’s wonderful when all goes according to plan, when things turn out just as you’d hoped they would, but it’s also important to always have a Plan B.  I’ve decided that my Plan B is to talk to myself the way my BFF would. She, marvelous being that she is, would cut me some slack. She’d point out to me how often things eventually turn out all right, and how most of the time, I sort out whatever it is without too much trouble. And how I have resources, inner and outer, to help me deal with whatever the issue is.

Be your own BFF. Lift yourself out of your “woe is me” by remembering how very capable you are, how supported you are, we all are, by those who inhabit our world, our “village.” You’ve wasted enough time martyring yourself. Remind yourself how often you’ve done well, and then get going on that solution hunt right away.

Yes, now. Right now. You got this!

UNTWIST YOUR KNICKERS!

 

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist” is one of my favorite sayings. To myself, sigh. Because frankly, I find myself too often getting my proverbial “knickers” all twisted up over something that’s just not that big a deal. My passionate hobby is dance. Ballroom, to be specific. The other day, I dropped down too quickly into a dance curtsey, whereupon my right knee went “Whoa! Don’t like this!!” As in “Ouch, owie, don’t do it again.” So of course, I didn’t.

But then, here comes the knicker-twisting: “That’s it, I won’t be able to perform this dance ever, I’m a dance failure, my knee is ruined,” and on and on. Completely ignoring the fact that if you’re a dancer, I don’t care how young/old you are, pain is part of the journey (oh joy). Completely ignoring that my body is amazingly resilient, that I have resources and help with which to heal, and that a little rest-ice-compression therapy goes a long way. 

Eventually, I calmed down, untwisted my by now well-knotted-up mental “knickers” and put my mind and body in recovery mode. A couple of days later, my knee was doing just fine.

Yours may not be a dance journey, or a particularly physically focused one, but we all have those moments where we make more of something not-that-catastrophic and/or easily remedied. So yes, Sam/Samantha got that promotion at work that you wanted. Yes, it’s disappointing. Yes, you’re upset. No, it’s not the end of the world. You can have a go at another promotion. The more quickly you untwist your “Why them?! Why not me?” knickers, the more quickly you can get yourself on a path to that promotion.

Yes, you are sneezing, coughing and you feel yucky all over. You’re miserable. What if it’s COVID? What if you can’t go to work for 2 weeks? What if it’s worse? Who knows what’s going around these days? There go your knickers, twisty-twisty. Settle yourself down! Get yourself tested, go to urgent care if that feels like a good idea, call your physician, but for heaven’s sake, let go of your mental torment immediately. Mental anguish will only exacerbate whatever is going on with you. Mental calm is what allows the natural innate healing process of your body to take hold. Mental calm is how you can make rational decisions like calling your physician, for example.

No matter what the issue is, your distress and upset only make it worse. Untwist your knickers! You’ll feel better and do better every time.

 

Rude Behavior? Walk On By

Photo Credit: Jaycen Saab

It’s inevitable: if you interact with other human beings, you’re going to be subject to an assortment of slights, glares and smirks (if not downright rude gestures). Whether their behavior is intentional or not, the driver that cuts you off, the person in front of you in the “15 items only” line with 25 items in their cart, the sales person who refuses to make eye contact as they text away on their phone--are all annoying.

Sure enough, you fume, you have a conversation with yourself about how ruuuuude these people are, how you would neeeeever behave that way. You are justifiably irritated, and you stay that way for the better part of your day. You then inflict your foul mood on whoever you encounter next: co-worker, child, partner, friend. Suddenly you’re all thumbs, you drop things, you can’t find that whatever you need, and your back is acting up again.

No big surprise! Like attracts like, energetically speaking, and when you’re in a rotten place, you cease to perceive the goodness all around and in you. You can only relate to things that match in some way, your foul mood.

The solution is not to pretend you weren’t slighted, dissed, or generally “rudified” – you were! The solution is to recognize the behavior as something you don’t want in your life, and refuse to attach to it. In short, don’t cling! Don’t latch on to the person’s rudeness as if it were a life preserver and hang on to it for all you are worth. Let go! Immediately, totally, completely. They were rude, yes. You don’t like it, fine. It’s done, over.

You see, it’s not the slight or the cutting-in-front that hurts you, not really. Oh, you may have to spend 5 more minutes in line than you intended, and you may have to remember to pay more attention to potentially irresponsible drivers, but there’s no real harm here. You’re irritated, annoyed, not damaged beyond repair.

Unless you make it so. The more you fume, dwell on the slight, rehash it endlessly in the theatre of your mind, the bigger it gets, and yes, then you can do damage to yourself over this truly insignificant event.

You have better things to do with your life, your time on this glorious planet. If you can, forgive the person (who knows what’s going on in their life?), if you can’t, that’s all right too, but at the very least, let go and walk on by. You will be the happier for it. 

Get Your Whole Self In New Year’s Resolution Gear!

Ever wonder why your well intentioned New Year’s resolutions fade away somewhere around March? You started off with enthusiasm and zeal, only to find yourself in the land of “eh, who needs it?” and “what was I thinking, anyway?” a few weeks down the road.

There are lots of reasons for that, the primary one being complete lack of reality-thinking. For example, the classic “I’m going to lose 20 pounds by next month!” without planning just how those unwanted pounds are going to disappear. “I’ll exercise!” Uh-huh. When? Doing what? For how long? And so on.

You know this already, but one aspect of New Year’s resolution failure you probably haven’t considered is – polarization. It’s something we see in the political world these days, whether in the US or abroad. It seems there’s a lot of “for” and “against” with little room for common ground, which makes it challenging for anything to move forward.

Well, polarization is what often trips you up in the resolutions department: part of you is “for” the resolution, and part of you is “against.” You certainly think your entire self is lined up for “lose those pounds,” or “get that promotion,” or “start my own business,” but usually there’s an equally vigorous part of you that doesn’t want to drag yourself to the gym before/after work, or doesn’t want to learn the new software/put in the extra hours toward that promotion, or deal with the hassle of LLCs and start-up funding for a new business. And that’s why you stall. Within you are two opposing forces, polarized against each other. Stalemate.

The answer, although simple, isn’t necessarily easy. Yup, you have to get all of you on board. The most efficient way is to provide the “for the resolution” side of yourself adequate resources and support. Which makes it harder for the “against” side of you to prevail.

For example, if you enroll in a group Pilates/cycling/dance class to help you shed those pounds, you’ll be more inclined to actually go do the necessary exercise. If you block out a dedicated time-slot toward doing whatever you deem necessary to earn your promotion, and give yourself a small reward once you finish your allotted time, you’ll find it easier to actually put in the time. Create a vision board for your new business, set intermediate goals for what needs to be done, reward yourself all along the way.

In other words, turn your resolution into a reality by making the steps to getting there equally real. Be aware of the “against” side of yourself (we all have one, I should know!) and counter it with “Not listening to you!” as needed.

Whatever it is you’ve set forth for yourself this New Year, you can do it. You know you can! Just get your whole self in gear and watch yourself succeed.