Be Here, Now!

 

You’ve undoubtedly heard the phrase “Be here, now.” It’s a way to remind ourselves that life is lived in the present moment, and it’s well worth enjoying whatever we can in the present. But “Be here, now” is also a wonderful way to soothe ourselves when confronted by something anxiety-provoking or that upsets us. It’s not necessarily a solution or a cure-all, but it is a way to ground ourselves.

For example, I’m driving along a California freeway during rush hour. No one is going anywhere very fast, even though we’re in the “fast lane.” We’re sort of all muddling along at a respectable 50 mph. Suddenly a car some 10 car lengths ahead comes to an abrupt stop, which makes everyone behind that car stop abruptly, the domino effect, which is fine, except the car directly in front of me couldn’t stop quite fast enough, so they did exactly what the driver’s ed manual says to do, and veered into the left shoulder so as not to hit the car in front of them, and managed not to hit the concrete divider either.

Seeing this, my heart rate zoomed as I jammed on my brakes, praying that those behind me would as well, and fortunately, within minutes, everything settled down and cars started going again. Slowly. Very slowly. Meanwhile, to stop the frantic beating of my heart and incipient panic attack, I started in on my grounding mantra: “safe, warm and dry.” As in I’m safe, right here, right now. Right here, right now, I’m in my car, undamaged, unhurt, able to continue driving to my destination. I’m safe. In this moment, right here, right now, I’m OK. I take a couple of deep breaths to further calm myself, and off I go.

You may wonder about the “warm and dry.” In the aftermath of the wildfire that destroyed my home, not knowing where, what, how, when, or whatever else was going to happen, I repeated endlessly to myself “I’m safe, warm and dry.” That was the “here, now” that mattered. That I and my dogs were safe, warm and dry. Everything else was literally up for grabs.

No, grounding yourself isn’t intended to solve whatever situation has you scared or upset, but it will help your mind stop barreling down the rabbit hole of imminent disaster long enough to take realistic stock of whatever’s going on. To be more present to what’s required given the situation. In the “sudden stop” example, to resume driving with a sufficient degree of calm so that I could be a decent driver.

There’s power in the present, in the “here, now.” Don’t take it for granted, use it, appreciate it and enjoy its many benefits.

 

Self-Care: Lattes and Ice Cream. Really?

 

We are a quick-fix species, we humans. We want ‘it’ – whatever ‘it’ is – NOW! The money, the lover, the job, the car, the child to behave, the partner to behave (oops!), the boss to quit micro-managing: the list goes on and on.

So too with self-care. Few of us think of what self-care really entails, so we grab whatever will make us feel better – NOW! Which is great, totally understandable, and works. Well, works short-term. That latte does calm you down (interesting paradoxical effect of caffeine), the ice cream brings comfort, the movie did distract you from your worries, and that new bling perked you right up. Temporarily. Because as soon as the ‘feel better’ wears off from the quick-fix, you’re back where you were. Mildly (or very) depressed, grumpy, low energy, anxious, your choice.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Self-care is best approached from the inside, not the outside. Especially when we are dealing with mental and emotional self-care*. This is why trying to deal with your emotional well-being with lattes and ice cream isn’t going to work. What will, is what was best expressed by the phrase painted on the back of a passing truck: “just love yourself.”

I kid you not. I was driving home one day when I happened to end up behind a truck with “just love yourself” painted on the back.  I followed the truck for a bit, wanting to make sure I wasn’t imaging things. The truck driver pulled over to the side of the residential street we were on, thinking no doubt that I wanted to pass him. I didn’t. I drove up beside him, made the “roll down your window please” sign, and said to him, “Thank you!! I love your truck slogan!” I’m not sure he understood or heard what I said, he probably just thought “crazy lady” but that’s OK. It was a wonderful moment.

So what does “just love yourself” mean? In simple terms, it means to be patient with yourself, to accept that you are doing the best you can, with what you’ve got, from where you are. And to think the same of the others in your life. Because, you see, when you acknowledge that you (and others) are doing the best you can, given where you’re at, with the resources (inner and outer) that you have presently available to you, you free yourself from judgment and blame. That in turn frees you up to look for/explore/discover other resources, to consider other approaches, to look at the situation from a different perspective.

Ah, sweet relief. Now, about that latte . . .

You Got This!

 

My morning was supposed to be devoted to writing a report for one of the trial attorneys I consult for. The work takes concentration and focus, as my conclusions influence how the case is developed. It’s important, it matters, I need to do it well. But “life” was having none of it . . .

The dogs barked at everything – leaves falling, squirrels romping, the neighbor’s construction project. My cell dinged repeatedly with texts that needed responses, emails marked “urgent” landed non-stop in my inbox, and I couldn’t locate a document I was sure I’d saved.

Might as well give up on the day. Clearly, nothing good was going to happen.

Then about 10 minutes into my self-indulgent pity party, I realized, “Wait a minute. I had a sucky morning. OK. It happens. There’s no need to let it ruin the rest of my day.” Whereupon I parked the dogs in the side yard where I wouldn’t hear their barking as loudly, turned off my text notifications, figured no one was going to die if I didn’t answer emails immediately (I’m not a heart surgeon!), took a deep breath, re-focused and dived back into my report-writing.

We do that, you know. I do that. We don’t work out one day, or one week, and figure we’re losers, will never get in shape, game over. We eat that doughnut, that pasta, that pizza one day and figure the diet is history. We assume that a miserable morning means a miserable day or even a miserable life. We really are our own worst enemies.

So next time you find yourself slamming the door shut on your day, your diet, your exercise plan, your whatever, because some one (or two or three) things went wrong, stop. Take a deep breath – or several, as many as needed – and give yourself a reality check. The only way that one (or two or three) things that went wrong can ruin the rest of your day, diet, exercise plan, or even life, is if you let it/them. Don’t. You’re worth more than that. You deserve better than that.

Re-focus. Re-coup. And boogie forward. You got this! 

The Magic of the “Three Rs”

 

Life has a tendency to throw us curves. More than a few these days, I’d say. In addition to all the upsets and upheavals caused by the pandemic and whatever part of the political/social/economic reality has grabbed your attention, there’s the day to day of our ordinary lives.

Like my dog. The younger one, a three-year old I’ve nick-named “Abounding Joy” for his astonishing ability to bound a good five feet straight up in the air. From all four legs. Repeatedly. So the other day when he bounded from three legs, instead of four, and zoomed around the living room favoring one of his hind legs, I panicked. What’s with my “boy”? Of course this happened at 10:00 pm when a quickie visit to the vet was out of the question, and the only open emergency vet clinic was far away and “by appointment only” (who has emergencies “by appointment”?!).

That’s when I remembered the magic of the “Three Rs.” No, not “reading, ‘riting, and ‘rithmetic,” although those Three Rs certainly have their own magic. I’m referring to a different set. “Recover. Recalibrate. Restart.”

Recover, as in take a deep breath (or several deep breaths) to release the panic. Recalibrate, as in use my thinking brain to assess the situation. In this case, remember that my dogs have from time to time strained a muscle in their wanton cavorting, which has healed quickly without human assistance. Restart, as in start fresh. In this case decide that since cherished pup was not showing any signs of distress, that when I palpated his leg he didn’t cringe or whimper, that I could wait until morning to see if he was OK. If not, I could get him to my vet immediately.

Whew! Relief. Which I suppose is a fourth “R,” the natural consequence of the first three.

We function much better when not in the grip of panic, anger or fear. Since remembering the Three Rs, I’ve used them repeatedly, for the smallest of issues - spilled water on the coffee table, to bigger ones - anxiety over upcoming taxes.

Recover. Recalibrate. Restart. And yes, relief will ensue, which in turn makes it much easier to deal with whatever caused the upset in the first place.

Oh, and cherished pup did heal himself, miraculously and quickly, within 12 hours. Good boy!