How To Survive The Holidays: The Gentle Art of Changing The Subject

 

We’re fast approaching that time of year when friend and family get-togethers and office parties are, well, obligatory. After all, you can’t exactly pretend that Thanksgiving and the Holiday Season don’t exist, and that invitations from your in-laws, workplace, friends and others can be casually ignored. Or that you can corral your beloved partner into NOT throwing a righteous “everyone welcome” Thanksgiving feast or giant Holiday party.

But then the ugly truth comes up and slaps you: how are you to pleasantly converse with those relatives, work colleagues, various invited friends and their assorted spouses, with whom you not only have nothing in common, but heartily disagree with on pretty much every subject?

Religion, politics, sports, pets, even the weather aren’t safe topics, and no, most people don’t know about, much less want to talk about, the economic and historical significance of the tulip bulb in the 1630s. Which is actually quite fascinating - but that’s a story for another day.

What To Talk About During Holiday Gatherings. Here's the thing: most people are far more interested in themselves, their thoughts, their opinions, their everything – than they are in anyone else. And yes, that includes you, me and all other sentient beings. It’s normal, it’s just an outgrowth of our survival instinct. So, use that to your advantage.

When Aunt Ida starts her usual harangue about the current administration, whether praising or condemning it, turn the spotlight back on her. Ask her, for example, what brought her to her opinion, not for the sake of debating it or arguing with her, but as if you were genuinely interested in the evolution of her thought. And sprinkle your listening with a lot of head nods and “mm-hmm” – again, expressing interest, not looking for points to use against her opinion. She’ll think you’re the best conversationalist ever, yet you never uttered a single word of your opinion.

That’s one way to change the subject. Another is, having first given a non-committal but polite head nod and “mm-hmm” to something said, comment on how lovely/cool/(insert compliment) their outfit is, where did they get it? Or go to “you know, I’ve been meaning to ask, how is your garden growing?” Or whatever hobby/work/volunteering they do is going.

Pay Attention. This means you do have to pay a modicum of attention to what that friend or relative or work colleague is all about. If you really want to pull this off well, best you spend a few moments, pre-festivity, remembering or asking someone who might know what those you are most likely to interact with are into.

Yes, it takes a little effort, and sometimes quite a bit of self-restraint. But hey, what would you prefer? Getting yourself all riled up over something said with an individual you rarely see more than once a year? Or enjoying peace of mind?

I know what I’ll choose.

For more inspiring messages, go to https://noellenelson.com/newsletters/newsletters-a-note-from-dr-noelle.

Ho-Ho-Ho, the Joy of Saying “No”

 

Ah, the upcoming Holiday Season--starting with Thanksgiving and ramping up through Christmas, with no let-up until the beginning of the year. For those who are already tired from a year’s worth of work, kids, parents, chores, and everything else, the Holiday Season, despite the many joys it may bring, can feel simply exhausting. Overwhelming. Cringe-worthy.

But what’s a body to do? Pull the covers over your head and hide in bed for the next two months? Probably not a good idea, given your family obligations, relatives coming to visit, expectations at work, and so on.

There is another way. Two, actually.

1. Just Say “No.”

You’re appalled. How dare I suggest such a thing when people are counting on you? Who’s going to bake all those cookies for the school holiday party? And the Thanksgiving turkey? You don’t trust your partner to do it properly, look at how they overcooked the last one. Plus, you’ll no doubt be asked to join the holiday choir (like last year), organize the holiday potluck at work, and probably play Secret Santa as well.

Saying “No” is all about how you say it. When you say, “No, thank you, but I appreciate your asking,” it’s hard for the asker to get upset with you. They may not like the answer, but you were so polite and straightforward that they realized they could do nothing about it. Then be ready with an easy, equally straightforward reason (if requested) for your “No,” such as “I need to focus on other priorities for now.” Most people will be reluctant to press further, but if they do, a vague “family matters” or such will suffice.

2. Delegate. How? To Whom?

One of the easiest ways to delegate over the holidays is to enroll the help of your local grocery store. I kid you not. Pre-cooked turkeys, already-baked cookies, and all sorts of other holiday goodies are readily available. You just need to get over your “I have to do it all myself” or your belief that only you can cook a turkey/bake cookies properly.

For other matters, delegate by asking for help. Yes, it’s OK not to be perfect, not to be Wonder-Human, and to need assistance. If you ask with “please” and “thank you” in your request, you’d be surprised at how nicely people will generally respond. Will the person do whatever you’ve asked exactly as you would? Probably not. Will it still be good enough? Probably yes.

Give yourself a break this Holiday Season. Saying “no” and delegating will go a long way toward easing your end-of-year exhaustion.

The Holidays: A Time to Remember That The World is Wide Enough

As we gather with family and friends on Thanksgiving, the divisive political situation in our country shows no sign of abating. It seems there’s no end to the conflicts and confrontations that divide rather than unite us.

Some Thanksgivings are harder than others. What I mean by that is that sometimes, our world may seem at such odds with itself that we’re hard-pressed to feel the gratitude we wish would come naturally, especially around this time of year and around the people we love who may not think the way we do.

There is a lesson found in the musical “Hamilton” that we should all take to heart. There’s a profound truth that runs throughout the play, which was brought out in one of its final scenes.

That scene brings to life the famous duel in which Aaron Burr, Vice-President under Thomas Jefferson, kills his political rival, Alexander Hamilton, one of our Founding Fathers and first Secretary of the Treasury. In the musical, at the end of the duel, Burr sings these lyrics:

            “I was too young and blind to see

            I should’ve known

            I should’ve known

            The world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me.”

I hear in these words a call for us, as best we can and with all of our hearts, to find ways to negotiate, resolve--whatever your word for it is--our differences. Choose a world that's wide enough for all of us to co-exist in peace, if not in agreement.

A great place to start is with family and friends. I certainly have my share of ornery family, folks I don’t understand, yet here we are, at Thanksgiving together. I remind myself that I don’t have to agree with their opinions on everything from our president to the cranberry dressing, but I can acknowledge their right to their opinion. I can make the effort to value them, to look for something to appreciate about them, because there is, in every one of us, something (usually many things) to appreciate, if we just look hard enough.

We should remember that “The world is wide enough” for all of us, even when it seems that could never be. During the holidays, it certainly is worth a try.

The Holidays: “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Really?

The Holidays! You’ve made your list and you’re checking it twice. Let’s see: not enough money in the budget to get the kids what they really want. Not enough for a quick two day get-away for you and your S.O., given the cost of transportation, accommodations, and a sitter who will put up for that long with the kids and your menagerie of 2 cats, 1 dog, 3 hamsters and 1 and ½ lizard (tail missing). Relatives who are thrilled to announce they’re flying in for a nice long visit, of course staying at your house. And if that wasn’t enough, it looks like one of you may be out of a job come the New Year.

With this, you’re supposed to be cheery, filled with Holiday spirit (not the alcoholic kind), and wishing peace and goodwill to all. You wonder if that includes downsizing employers.

What you would give for an alien to beam you up and out of this Holiday mess! 

Since that’s not likely to happen, try the following.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Harsh! You say. Cruel! OK, so? Dumping into self-pity at this juncture isn’t going to get the kids what they want, your honey and you some time away, or have your relatives magically disappear.

Quit wasting time and energy moaning about how awful it is. You already know it’s awful. What you don’t yet know is what you’re going to do about it.

Go into problem-solving mode. What can you give the kids that would please them? Or, how creative can you get with what they really want?

Same with the get-away with your honey. Make an afternoon at the local aquarium or wandering through art galleries, or hiking a trail your “get away.” Imbue it with specialness and romance so that the amount of time is far less important than the quality of the time spent together.

You may be stuck with the relatives visiting, but you’re not stuck with how long they stay with you or what you choose to do with them. Set boundaries. Preferably before they get there. You’ll feel better immediately.

People lose jobs every day of the year. They also get jobs every day of the year. Gather up your courage, dust off your resume, prepare yourself for an even better job, in better conditions, with a boss you respect.

Feeling sorry for yourself is the least productive thing you can do. It is also the most joyless, and totally out of sync with what the holidays are about. Not that you should rejoice over your monetary and other woes, but rather that you should take them in stride, knowing that you have the inner resources, the resilience, to make it through and on to better things.

As soon as you let go of “ain’t it awful” and plug into celebrating all the good you do have in your life, you too will find, like Jimmy Stewart, that “It’s a Wonderful Life”!