How To Survive The Holidays: The Gentle Art of Changing The Subject

 

We’re fast approaching that time of year when friend and family get-togethers and office parties are, well, obligatory. After all, you can’t exactly pretend that Thanksgiving and the Holiday Season don’t exist, and that invitations from your in-laws, workplace, friends and others can be casually ignored. Or that you can corral your beloved partner into NOT throwing a righteous “everyone welcome” Thanksgiving feast or giant Holiday party.

But then the ugly truth comes up and slaps you: how are you to pleasantly converse with those relatives, work colleagues, various invited friends and their assorted spouses, with whom you not only have nothing in common, but heartily disagree with on pretty much every subject?

Religion, politics, sports, pets, even the weather aren’t safe topics, and no, most people don’t know about, much less want to talk about, the economic and historical significance of the tulip bulb in the 1630s. Which is actually quite fascinating - but that’s a story for another day.

What To Talk About During Holiday Gatherings. Here's the thing: most people are far more interested in themselves, their thoughts, their opinions, their everything – than they are in anyone else. And yes, that includes you, me and all other sentient beings. It’s normal, it’s just an outgrowth of our survival instinct. So, use that to your advantage.

When Aunt Ida starts her usual harangue about the current administration, whether praising or condemning it, turn the spotlight back on her. Ask her, for example, what brought her to her opinion, not for the sake of debating it or arguing with her, but as if you were genuinely interested in the evolution of her thought. And sprinkle your listening with a lot of head nods and “mm-hmm” – again, expressing interest, not looking for points to use against her opinion. She’ll think you’re the best conversationalist ever, yet you never uttered a single word of your opinion.

That’s one way to change the subject. Another is, having first given a non-committal but polite head nod and “mm-hmm” to something said, comment on how lovely/cool/(insert compliment) their outfit is, where did they get it? Or go to “you know, I’ve been meaning to ask, how is your garden growing?” Or whatever hobby/work/volunteering they do is going.

Pay Attention. This means you do have to pay a modicum of attention to what that friend or relative or work colleague is all about. If you really want to pull this off well, best you spend a few moments, pre-festivity, remembering or asking someone who might know what those you are most likely to interact with are into.

Yes, it takes a little effort, and sometimes quite a bit of self-restraint. But hey, what would you prefer? Getting yourself all riled up over something said with an individual you rarely see more than once a year? Or enjoying peace of mind?

I know what I’ll choose.

For more inspiring messages, go to https://noellenelson.com/newsletters/newsletters-a-note-from-dr-noelle.

Don't Play The Comparison Game This Thanksgiving—Be Thankful For Who You Are

With Thanksgiving, our attention turns to all those people and things for which we are grateful. A wonderful tradition, indeed. However, there’s a sneaky little devil that sometimes gets in the way of our ability to truly appreciate . . . and that is, comparison.

Uh-huh. Comparing your 10-year-old dirty car to your neighbor’s sparkly clean new one. Groan. Or your not-even-remotely-in-shape body to the ripped, buff, sleek body working out on the elliptical next to yours; you’ve barely figured out how to coordinate your arms and legs. Or comparing your toddler’s wobbly steps to your sister’s same-age toddler’s zipping around the room.

Need I go on? Take inventory sometime of just how many times a day you compare yourself or your life to someone else’s self or life, and – more importantly – find yourself wanting. You may be (unpleasantly) surprised at how often you judge yourself to be defective. Not good enough. Swift enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Talented enough.  Every time you ding yourself with a “less than” comparison, you hurt yourself. You send an unfortunate message to your entire being that you can’t, that you aren’t. Whatever it is, you don’t measure up. Your body and mind take that message quite literally, and with that, you make it more difficult for your body-mind to accomplish whatever it is you desire.

One of the most powerful messages you can give yourself is “I’m good enough.” Not perfect, but not deficient either. Simply good enough. Ah . . . sweet relief! Because from a position of “good enough,” you can appreciate yourself, and your life, as it is. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else to figure out if you’re good enough, you can adopt it as your basic stance. Try it! Say “I’m good enough” to yourself often as you go about your day, and you’ll feel more confidence flow through you, which in turn, allows your body-mind to function at its current best.

If you really want to rock your world, try thinking “You’re good enough” of others as well: your wobbly toddler, your husband with his affinity for clothes that never match, your whiny neighbor. “You’re good enough” takes you out of the world of comparison and negative judgment, freeing you up to enjoy and be grateful for others as they are.

Now you can truly celebrate Thanksgiving, reveling in the “good enough” in yourself, your life, and all those around you. Enjoy!

How to Get Along With Family During the Holidays

What will family gatherings be like as the holidays begin? The presidential race has made it a tough year on relationships between family members who don’t agree on politics. That rawness is still going to be around during the holidays as we gather to celebrate the season.

The perfect holiday present we can give family this year isn’t one wrapped in sparkly red-and-green ribbon, but rather one lovingly wrapped in good intentions.

Here are guidelines to follow during the holidays to keep relationships—and gatherings--peaceful.

--Cease to complain or argue when you hear something that you don’t like. Period. Zip it, put a lid on it, change the subject, go to your happy place. Do whatever it takes to stop an argument before it starts. No one is going to change someone else’s mind.

--Take responsibility for your situation. If you don’t like what someone says and you feel your blood pressure rise, walk away. You may not have control over the words and actions of your crazy Uncle Harry, but you have control of what you say and do. And by the way, keeping your blood pressure under control is good for your cardiovascular system, which leads to a longer, healthier life.

--Find common ground. Focus on whatever you can genuinely appreciate. It could be great taste of your mom’s pumpkin pie, catching up on family member activities or celebrating the addition of a new baby niece or nephew. With just a tiny bit of effort, you can find something of value and joy that can be shared with others.

Does this approach take patience, determination, persistence? Sure, but it’s well worth the try—and a small yet meaningful contribution toward peace on earth, goodwill towards all.