The Four-Letter Word That Kills

 

Jennifer Bricker

We all know that just as there are words which uplift and enthrall us, there are words which can hurt and demean us. But did you know that there is one four-letter word that actually kills?!

No, it’s not that four-letter word, it’s the word “can’t.” The word “can’t” kills dreams, hopes, aspirations, opportunities, love – the list goes on. “Can’t” puts a stop, a halt, an immediate end to all effort, to all forward movement. “I can’t do that.” “I can’t go there.” “I can’t attract a mate/make friends.” “I can’t get a job/promotion/raise/better position.” “I can’t act/sing/dance/run/play the guitar.” You fill in the blank. We all have or have had “can’ts” in our lives, always to our detriment.  

What would have happened to Jennifer Bricker if she’d bought into the word “can’t”? At all of 11 years of age, Jennifer placed fourth in power tumbling in the AAU Junior Olympics, and at 22, was a featured performer on “Britney Spears’ Circus Tour.” Before you shake your head and say “What’s the big deal about that,” let me add that Jennifer was born without legs. You read that correctly. No legs. Zip. Nada. Jennifer became an award-winning gymnast using her buttocks, hips and arms. She also played baseball and basketball in high school without the benefit of prosthetics or a wheelchair, and was the first handicapped high school tumbling champion in the entire state of Illinois.

What led to these remarkable feats? Adoptive parents who simply did not allow Jennifer to use the word “can’t.” Ever. Nor did they. Her adoptive parents supported and encouraged Jennifer in whatever she decided to pursue. Her mantra, learned early on, was “I can.”   

Try it. Eliminate the word “can’t” from your vocabulary and watch what happens. You can substitute the word “won’t” or the phrase “don’t want to.” Both “won’t” or “don’t want to” imply that you’ve made a conscious choice about the matter. That it’s a matter of personal preference, not a factual impossibility. Which opens up all sorts of new possibilities. If you say, for example, “I won’t get a job/promotion/raise/better position,” it invariably begs the question “Well, why not?” Which now obliges you to take a closer look at why you think you won’t – whatever it is. Which can more easily lead to reasons why you could get the job/promotion/raise/better position.

Don’t kill your dreams. You deserve better than that. Eliminate the killer word “can’t” from your mind and heart, and watch your life soar with the power of “I can!”

Cool Your Jets

“To open or not to open, that is the question.” Shakespeare is probably rolling in his grave at my lamentable misuse of his famous “To be or not to be” but these days “To open or not to open” IS the question. And it is driving most of us absolutely crazy.

It was one thing to engage our patience and try to make the best of our altered way of life during the first months of the pandemic, but it’s another now that we realize that the end is not in sight and that we don’t know how much longer our patience must endure (along with no jobs, no schooling, etc.). Some of us resent masks, some of us swear by them; some think social distancing is ridiculous, others shy away from their fellow humans by far more than 6 feet. Regardless of our respective preferences, none of us are having a good time, and most of us are downright miserable.

But here’s the thing. Whether the current state of affairs has you scared to death, hopping mad, or swirling into depression, the only thing you achieve with your fear, rage or angst is potentially damaging your cardiovascular system and most certainly your immune system.

You see, our thoughts and emotions trigger certain chemicals in our brains, which then, through an intricate network of neurotransmitters, send messages to our body that impact every system in our bodies: our hormonal system, our cardiovascular system, our immune system, our gastrointestinal system and more. When our thoughts and consequent emotions are strongly negative (fear, rage, anger, despair), our bodies suffer.

What to do? Cool your jets. An expression from back in the 1970s that referred to the need for jet engines to cool off after a flight seems very appropriate today. Why? Because once you’ve taken whatever practical measures you believe are best for your health and well-being, the best thing you can do to assure your survival (mental, emotional and physical) is to let go of your negative emotions and focus on whatever is working in your life.

Easier said than done? No doubt. A fool’s errand? No. I’m not talking about burying your head in the sand and pretending all is well. It isn’t. But you can practice mindfulness (easy to do, lots of Internet help), meditation (let Google come to the rescue), whatever faith makes sense to you. You can journal or exercise, both prime ways of releasing negative emotions. Then you’ll have more head space to focus on what is working in your life, how you might make that better, what other resources or support you can explore.

Cool your jets. You’ll function better, feel better, and in the end, get through these demanding, exasperating, frustrating times better.

 

Want a Miracle? Shift Your Perception!

Losing is painful. It doesn’t matter what - a job, a promotion, your health, a lover, a spouse - it’s painful. Sure, the pain is greater, the greater the loss, but whenever we lose something, we feel it deeply.

A friend of mine, a trial lawyer by trade, recently lost a big case. He’s not in the habit of losing trials, for him this was a most unusual experience. But what intrigued me was his attitude about it: “I can see where I made some mistakes. I know it’s hindsight and all that, but I seriously misjudged how the jurors would look at certain facts. I can’t wait for my next trial - I have some thoughts on what I could have done differently, and I want to see how they will play out.”

His is an optimist’s attitude. A miracle-making attitude. One that practically guarantees success. Oh, maybe not every time, but more often than not. It is well established that optimists succeed beyond their actual aptitude and talents - all because of their attitude.

Many lawyers, in his position, would have expended their efforts laying blame somewhere: on opposing counsel for underhanded tricks, on the Judge for being biased toward the other side, on the jurors for “not getting it,” on their trial team for being inefficient, or on themselves. My friend, however, simply assessed his work, figured out what was missing, and was rarin’ to go on the next trial - so he could once again, win.

All it took was a shift in perception, what Marianne Williamson* defines as “a miracle.” Or, to my way of thinking, a shift in perception (how you see the loss) lays the groundwork for a miracle, for something to happen that will be better than what was expected.  By moving off the blame-game, and choosing instead to learn from the experience (the shift in perception), my friend put himself back on the success track.

When you look at your loss, whatever it is, as permanent and all-encompassing, then sure enough, you’ll feel devastated and unable to let go and move on. If, on the contrary, you look at your loss - be it the loss of a job, a spouse, a client, your savings - as temporary, something to learn from - then chances are excellent that you will be able to move on to even better things; to a “miracle.”

The only change is in how you perceive the event, the loss. And that, unlike the loss itself, is totally within your control. Buck against it though we may, we can always control what we think. No, it’s not necessarily easy. I find it takes considerable effort to move my thoughts off the comfort of wound-licking and self-pity to thoughts that will generate a better future. But it’s doable.

And knowing that all it takes is a shift in perception, in how you view things, makes the seemingly impossible “miraculous,” possible.

* Williamson, Marianne (2009-10-13). A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles (p. 9). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.