A Winner's Secret

Do you find yourself stuck sometimes, looking for who or what to blame when something goes wrong? It's certainly tempting! Especially in these turbulent, unpredictable times. In this podcast, find out how to get un-stuck and be the winner in your life!

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The Four-Letter Word That Kills

 

Jennifer Bricker

We all know that just as there are words which uplift and enthrall us, there are words which can hurt and demean us. But did you know that there is one four-letter word that actually kills?!

No, it’s not that four-letter word, it’s the word “can’t.” The word “can’t” kills dreams, hopes, aspirations, opportunities, love – the list goes on. “Can’t” puts a stop, a halt, an immediate end to all effort, to all forward movement. “I can’t do that.” “I can’t go there.” “I can’t attract a mate/make friends.” “I can’t get a job/promotion/raise/better position.” “I can’t act/sing/dance/run/play the guitar.” You fill in the blank. We all have or have had “can’ts” in our lives, always to our detriment.  

What would have happened to Jennifer Bricker if she’d bought into the word “can’t”? At all of 11 years of age, Jennifer placed fourth in power tumbling in the AAU Junior Olympics, and at 22, was a featured performer on “Britney Spears’ Circus Tour.” Before you shake your head and say “What’s the big deal about that,” let me add that Jennifer was born without legs. You read that correctly. No legs. Zip. Nada. Jennifer became an award-winning gymnast using her buttocks, hips and arms. She also played baseball and basketball in high school without the benefit of prosthetics or a wheelchair, and was the first handicapped high school tumbling champion in the entire state of Illinois.

What led to these remarkable feats? Adoptive parents who simply did not allow Jennifer to use the word “can’t.” Ever. Nor did they. Her adoptive parents supported and encouraged Jennifer in whatever she decided to pursue. Her mantra, learned early on, was “I can.”   

Try it. Eliminate the word “can’t” from your vocabulary and watch what happens. You can substitute the word “won’t” or the phrase “don’t want to.” Both “won’t” or “don’t want to” imply that you’ve made a conscious choice about the matter. That it’s a matter of personal preference, not a factual impossibility. Which opens up all sorts of new possibilities. If you say, for example, “I won’t get a job/promotion/raise/better position,” it invariably begs the question “Well, why not?” Which now obliges you to take a closer look at why you think you won’t – whatever it is. Which can more easily lead to reasons why you could get the job/promotion/raise/better position.

Don’t kill your dreams. You deserve better than that. Eliminate the killer word “can’t” from your mind and heart, and watch your life soar with the power of “I can!”

Cool Your Jets

“To open or not to open, that is the question.” Shakespeare is probably rolling in his grave at my lamentable misuse of his famous “To be or not to be” but these days “To open or not to open” IS the question. And it is driving most of us absolutely crazy.

It was one thing to engage our patience and try to make the best of our altered way of life during the first months of the pandemic, but it’s another now that we realize that the end is not in sight and that we don’t know how much longer our patience must endure (along with no jobs, no schooling, etc.). Some of us resent masks, some of us swear by them; some think social distancing is ridiculous, others shy away from their fellow humans by far more than 6 feet. Regardless of our respective preferences, none of us are having a good time, and most of us are downright miserable.

But here’s the thing. Whether the current state of affairs has you scared to death, hopping mad, or swirling into depression, the only thing you achieve with your fear, rage or angst is potentially damaging your cardiovascular system and most certainly your immune system.

You see, our thoughts and emotions trigger certain chemicals in our brains, which then, through an intricate network of neurotransmitters, send messages to our body that impact every system in our bodies: our hormonal system, our cardiovascular system, our immune system, our gastrointestinal system and more. When our thoughts and consequent emotions are strongly negative (fear, rage, anger, despair), our bodies suffer.

What to do? Cool your jets. An expression from back in the 1970s that referred to the need for jet engines to cool off after a flight seems very appropriate today. Why? Because once you’ve taken whatever practical measures you believe are best for your health and well-being, the best thing you can do to assure your survival (mental, emotional and physical) is to let go of your negative emotions and focus on whatever is working in your life.

Easier said than done? No doubt. A fool’s errand? No. I’m not talking about burying your head in the sand and pretending all is well. It isn’t. But you can practice mindfulness (easy to do, lots of Internet help), meditation (let Google come to the rescue), whatever faith makes sense to you. You can journal or exercise, both prime ways of releasing negative emotions. Then you’ll have more head space to focus on what is working in your life, how you might make that better, what other resources or support you can explore.

Cool your jets. You’ll function better, feel better, and in the end, get through these demanding, exasperating, frustrating times better.

 

I'm Not Arguing. I'm Just Explaining That I'm Right

Given my work as a trial consultant, I typically spend a lot of time on airplanes and consequently, in airports (at least until the COVID-19 outbreak). I was in an airport somewhere in the Midwest when I saw a fellow traveler wearing a t-shirt with words that I found positively brilliant: “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

Oh, the home truth in that one! How many times have you found yourself in an argument, heated discussion, whatever you want to call it, where you were fiercely determined to get across your point of view, because you knew that you were RIGHT! Beyond a shadow of a doubt, no hesitation whatsoever, you were indisputably, totally, awesomely, RIGHT. Except that the significant other, friend, person, to whom you were simply trying to impart your rightness, saw your “explaining” for what it truly was: arguing for your position. Whereupon you blurted out, “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining that I’m right.”

OK, so maybe not your exact words, but think about it. Haven’t you often found yourself persisting in a discussion because of your profound conviction of your rightness? Especially as we emerge from our time of social-isolation, each of us seems to have a different opinion of what’s the “right” way to go about it. The hiccup is, of course, that whoever you’re engaged in “discussion” with also thinks they are right. And rather than actually listening to the other person, you just plowed onward with explaining your “rightness.” As did they. Sigh.

The Art of Listening. So what to do? You’re probably not willing to cave, and say “Ok, you win, I was wrong.” Although you might, and it sometimes is the wisest course. Setting that option aside, how about hitting “pause” on that over active brain of yours, and simply listen to what the other person is saying? Listening as in paying attention to their words, the tone of their voice, the emotion with which they are speaking, even their body language. Listening without formulating your oh-so-clever comeback.

Specifically, listening for common ground. Listening for some aspect of what they are driving at that corresponds, even in a small way, with something you can agree with. For example, an argument over the family budget usually will have as common ground to the “You spend too much” “You’re a miser” positions, a desire to have a family budget that’s workable for all concerned. Notice I said workable, not perfect.

The Common Ground Approach. If you can find that piece of common ground, rather than continue to hammer away at “You spend too much/you’re a miser” positions, you can say something along the lines of “As I listen to you, I realize that what we both want here is a budget that actually makes sense to both of us.” Hard for your partner to disagree with that one. Maybe from there, you can back off the argument, and start to work towards a solution.

It's not easy. Yet, you’re a lot more likely to come to a feasible resolution if you quit defending your position under the guise of “explaining" and start heading in the direction of problem-solving.

Which yes, means listening with both heart and mind, to that person in front of you. It gets easier with practice, and eventually leads to a lot less grief.